I woke up red hot. Figuratively. It was an hour before my alarm was due to go off and I was buzzing. I had none of the typical sloshy malaise I usually carried in the morning until I had my caffeine fix. Just pure, razor sharp, clarity. Last night as I was drifting off to sleep one question had been swirling in my mind. How to handle the meeting tomorrow morning? This job is miserable, but it is a job. Suck it up and play the game right? But this morning, there was I had a totally different perspective. There was no debate. I rolled straight out of bed and landed on all fours, cat-like. I dove into a calisthenics routine I hadn’t touched in years - something the fraternity had made us pledges do back in the day. It was one of the only practical things I had learned from being a fraternity guy.

  I showered quickly and skipped the coffee altogether - I didn’t need it. I rented a city bike, as I had no interest in repeating yesterdays train kerfuffle. The brisk air felt pleasant against my face as I navigated through the morning traffic. By the time I reached the office, my legs were on fire. There was no getting around the fact that I was woefully out of shape.

  Last night I had gotten an email from Ria, our meeting would be at 9:30am. Dan would be there. It was now 8:12am. I was early. I sat down at my desk and responded to the pressing emails at the top of my inbox. Mostly just client correspondence. Despite what Jen would say to anyone who would listen, I actually wasn’t half bad at my job. My accounts were by and large satisfied. And as of this moment, I was still on the clock for them.

  There were only a handful of people already settled in and working. They looked at me oddly. I was disrupting the status quo of the early mornings at Lake Shore Strategic Marketing Initiatives. The only person from my team who was a part of the early to the office crew was Stacey. That made sense. Stacey was a single mom with three kids. She usually took off early to do school pickup. Stacey took shit from no one, and body slammed any attempts to reel her in to office politics. She had more important things to put her energy in to, and she let you know it. She did what was asked of her, nothing more and nothing less. She walked over to my workstation, clutching her coffee mug.

  "Tommy? What are you doing here already?"

  "Hi Stacey, I got called in for a meeting with HR and the bosses this morning. I’m going to tell them to fuck off."

  "That’s nice. Best of luck to you."

  At 9:30 sharp I strolled in to the conference room. I sat down casually and crossed my arms. They were all sitting already. Dan was looking down at his phone, he gave me a grunt of acknowledgement. As expected he clearly didn’t want to be here. Jen sat rigidly, her lips pursed and her hands clasped together in front of her on the table. Ria was between them. They all stared at me expectantly, as if I were supposed to have prepared opening remarks.

  I grinned. "Whats up?"

  "We want to see if we can get to the bottom of the issues that have been reported and move forward" Ria said carefully.

  "Yeah, absolutely. Let’s talk. I agree completely, this is long overdue. Something needs to be done." I paused for a beat, then added, "about Jen."

  "This is about you, Tommy" Jen snapped, her face taking on a cherry color.

  I looked to Ria.

  "Ria, you have one of these meetings a week. Who was it last week? Stacey? We even got the big boss in for this one." I turned to Dan. "Although by the looks of it he would rather be poolside somewhere. No judgement sir, don’t blame you." His eyes were now up, and he smirked. "And what is the common denominator here?” I pointed at Jen.

  “Her. The fact of the matter is, you’ve got a pretty damn good group here, Dan. I’m sure it doesn’t sound that way from Jen’s reports and updates. We get our work done, our clients like us, they come back. One thing I want to make crystal clear: this is in spite of, not because of, her. She is not some tough love genius who is elevating the team via tough love. She is, plain and simply a bitch. Through and through. You want my advice? Get her laid or lay her off.”

  Ria looked at me, eyes wide and mouth agape.

  Jen sat torn between tears and homicide. Dan was now fully engaged. He was enjoying the show.

  "Tommy…" Ria was scrambling to come up with what to say next. This was not how they expected this to go.

  I put my hand up and stood. "No need Ria, I am out of here,” I pointed at Dan. "Call me if Jen’s job opens up."

  I went out and cleared up my workstation, then headed to the exit. I turned to the office, who had been watching in stunned silence.

  "Maple Barrel, after work, Drinks on me. See you all there."

  ——

  I watched intently, like I was tuned in to the most compelling program Hollywood could have ever conceived. Except Stranger Things. No, even Stranger Things. Despite my sometimes big talk, I don’t think I ever would have had the guts to do what that guy on the screen had just done. But the system gave me the prompt - QUIT ROLE AT LAKE SHORE STRATEGIC MARKETING INITIATIVES - and I had accepted. My proxy took care of the rest. My heart hammered in my chest. That woman, Lish, was right. This was disorienting.

  "Lish, how can I be making these decisions in real time? You can just press the pause button on my world?”

  "One of the most difficult adjustments that you will have to make is to your conception of and relationship with time. No, we aren’t pausing time. Time is still moving just at a much slower rate. That is why each action prompt comes with a countdown, and why the screen seems to pause until you make a selection or the timer ends. When you are prompted with an action, what is really happening is we have switched perspective to match the natural movement accounting for the discrepancies between our place in the universe and your planets. I believe on your world it was discovered by a wild haired gentleman named Albert Einstein. You would know it as the general theory of relativity. You are familiar, correct?"

  "Yeah, why don’t you just go ahead and refresh my memory anyway."

  "Time is a dependent dimension, influenced by velocity and gravity. The deeper in a gravitational field, the more an object will experience time dilation."

  I scratched my head. Lish saw my struggle to keep up and threw me a lifeline.

  “Think of the whole earth being lathered in maple syrup. It would be hard to move around, right? If you were to get up and out of the maple syrup, moving would be much easier. Time behaves this way. The bigger the object, the thicker the maple syrup. When you get out of the maple syrup, you experience less time dilation.”

  “Time dilation! Of course. Why didn’t you just say that? Less maple syrup here. Got it.”

  —-

  Later on I was sitting at the kitchen table.

  "Alfred," I said between mouthfuls of lobster roll. "This may be the best sandwich I have ever had."

  "Thank you, Tommy.”

  Lish had introduced me to Alfred, attendant to The Suites. He was humanoid, with a cheerful voice and polished demeanor. He had just brought me lunch.

  "Can I offer you anything else? My drive has been updated to reflect all relevant elements of Earth culture so that I can best serve you. How about some coffee or cigarettes? A firearm? Perhaps some pornography?”

  "No thanks. Actually, you know what, a gun sounds pretty good. If its not too much trouble."

  Proxy Tommy rounded the corner, headed directly for the Maple Barrel. Moments later, Alfred again appeared in the room, firearm in hand, which he passed to me without inhibition. No need to bring up politics, but suffice to say I had not frequently exercised my second amendment right. I didn’t bear arms, I downed bear-claws. I knew enough to make myself dangerous with a weapon. At by that I mean a danger to myself. I found the safety, and made sure it was on, then fumbled with the clip, seeing that it was filled with rounds. I hadn’t expected the robot butler to actually acquiesce. Alfred was oblivious to my actions. I had not thought through what I was going to do with it. As disconcerted as I was, it would be a stretch to say that I was under duress. I was in a suite that would suit a billionaire with a personal robot attendant. And what was I going to do? Pull a Die Hard and shoot my way out? Still, there was a comfort in it. I held it in my left hand while I dug into my meal with my right. The food was ecstasy inducing. Perfectly seasoned, evenly cooked, fresh tasting ingredients, and tender meat. I couldn’t shoot the robot.

  Satiated, I tuned back in to Tommy TV.

  ——-

  "I was walking on air as I stepped out of the elevator and headed towards the building exit. I stopped and fist bumped Tracy at the security desk, giving them my badge and fob. "I’m out of here, my friend. Stop by the Maple Barrel after your shift, let’s have a drink."

  Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

  The air tasted delicious as I stepped outside. The world was wide open. I inhaled deep and was struck by a feeling that of accomplishment, and that this was something to celebrate. I set course for Elijah’s Steakhouse, one of the best restaurants in the city according to the self proclaimed experts across the internet, for lunch. I ordered filet mignon and a bottle of red. Cheers, to the rest of my life.

  I was already pretty wasted by the time that the office team started rolling in. My buddy Andy worked at the Maple Barrel and his shift had already started when I got there. We had been friends since we were kids and I had vented to him over beer and booze on multiple occasions about my job. So when he gave me a questioning glance when I walked in after Elijah’s, I met it with a simple shrug and a small grin. That said it all. It was sparse with patrons, so he hopped out from behind the bar and we played some pool over beers.

  "Why today?" He asked while lining up for a shot.

  It was a fair question. As he knew, I had endlessly talked about leaving. But we both thought I was too much of a little bitch to actually do anything about it. This morning, it felt like my focus on my frustration had been turned up to an 11, so much that it just couldn’t be ignored. There wasn’t another option.

  "I don’t really know why to be honest with you. I just knew it was time. Let’s call it a gut feeling."

  At 5:30, folks from the office started pouring in. I really hadn’t expected that many, if any, people to show up. I didn’t care. I was celebrating either way. By 5:45, almost the entire staff was there. Both from my team, and people I did not know well. All but Jen and her sycophants. Apparently everyone was hungry for an opportunity to meet outside the office and my blow up had presented the chance. I told Andy to open up a tab for everyone on me. He had jumped back behind the bar and was quickly swamped.

  A felt a slap on my back. "Oy was some show you put on today, mate".

  It was James. My team lead…I mean former team lead. He could be exhausting. He was a high energy guy who talked big. He was always going on about cryptocurrencies and other wild investments, dishing out unsolicited financial advice. He had sold me on this crazy alt-coin called WEREWOLF which could only be mined during full moons and was supposed to be tied to the price of silver. I had about 80 million of them. Right now, that had a value of around $1.78. He worked hard and was fair with client distribution though.

  He also cosplayed as a pirate in his free time. When he was drunk his inner pirate slipped in to his speech. The drunker he was the more swashbuckling he got.

  "Just between us, I have been on the fence about leaving Lake Shore too. I have been tracking something, and now that you might have a little time on your hands, I’m thinking that there could be room for us to partner up."

  "Let’s talk later this week. Let’s all just have a good time tonight!"

  I was already starting to slur.

  "Aye. Pace yourself tonight."

  I walked around and said hi to most of the group, at least the people I recognized. They seemed to be star struck by my presence. Like I was a local hero who had saved an old lady and her cat from a burning building. I guess everyone hates Jen. I decided to lean in to it. I went over to Andy and had him pour out a shot of tequila for everybody. I clumsily hoisted myself up on to the bar and raised my glass.

  "Cheers to the first Marketing Lake Shore Strategies of Initiatives company retreat.."

  The door to the bar opened, and I was surprised to see who stepped inside. It was Dan.

  I stopped. "Andy, fill one more up for the boss!"

  Andy obliged, clearly pleased with the activity I had brought in to the Maple Barrel. Dan raised his glass with the rest of us.

  "And cheers to me. Namaste."

  I downed the shot and gracefully slide off the bar. I went over to chat with a group of women who I think worked on international accounts. I hadn’t spoken with any of them before.

  My eyes attempted to focus on one woman leaning against their high table. I blacked out shortly after.

  The scene, both around me and on the screen in front of me were bewildering. I was watching as the Tommy on the screen heroically down drink after drink surrounded by now former colleagues. The scene was point-of-view style, like the eyes of the Proxy were actually cameras. It was baffling. If I watched the screen for too long, I would start to get the sensation that I was in that bar drinking. The words, the expressions, the micro movements Proxy Tommy made were precisely what I would do. There was so much I couldn’t even begin to comprehend of what was happening and who I was watching. I was getting the impression that Proxy Tommy was more than just a mindless avatar though. Our instincts were the same. He seemed to be imbued with me at a high level.

  With me in the living area of my suite was Alfred, my robot servant, and Lish my guide. I decided to get in on the fun with Proxy Tommy. Alfred got a bottle of tequila, and when Proxy Tommy toasted, I would raise my glass and drink too. I offered to share with Lish and Alfred, but it turned out that Lish, despite looking very much like a typical Earth women, had an enzyme that negated the intoxicating effect of alcohol. Alfred did not have a digestive system, but he did have the ability to adjust his inebriation levels. He enthusiastically tagged it downwards in tow with me as I took drink after drink. Lish had been attempting to get me to study up on the guidebook, but she gave up soon after the tequila came out. Eventually she relaxed a little. She threw in some comments here and there as we watched and drank. When Proxy Tommy went to go hit on the woman at the bar, she had started laughing.

  "You earthlings and your embarrassingly untamed sex drive. They told us that getting men to sign on would be a breeze for us, I wasn’t expecting it to be that simple though. What did you think was going to happen, you were going to volunteer and I was just going to drop my pants in gratitude?"

  I muttered under my breath. "Take it easy.."

  "I mean, really. The males from my home world are dumb and horny too, but that was just…"

  The woman didn’t pull her punches.

  "I get it. Please stop."

  Alfred was one hell of a drinking buddy. He kept on offering up suggestions on things I should ask him for, and they were getting progressively more ridiculous. Eventually, Lish got up to leave.

  "Hey Lish, I called to her. When am I going to wake up? This can’t be real. Can it?"

  She turned around to look at me.

  "It is, all of it. There is nothing that I can say or do that can give you assurance that though. You are not going to be able to think your way into belief. We are outside of the realm of reality as you know it. But here’s a question. Does it matter?"

  "What do you mean? It matters…"

  She gave me a swift jab in the gut with her left hand. She wasn’t lying, she was really strong.

  I keeled over as the wind rushed out of me..

  "Did that hurt?"

  "Damn it yeah, what gives?"

  "You felt that pain. You had a real experience. Whether it was from me punching you, or that was just a phantom reaction triggered reaction by your nerve cells, or something else all together, you felt it. Suppose someone were to tell you that your life, before coming to this suite and beginning testing for the Proxy project, were a hallucination. Does that negate all experience? You still hated Jen, right? You still had to get surgery for after your broke your wrist. You still listen to the soundtrack of The Lorax before you go to bed each night. Your subjective reality is reality unto itself. So, you have two choices. Believe that I am telling you the truth, and work to make this reality as good as it can be for you. Or you can tank it, and pray to your higher power that you are going to wake up another day and recall this as a dream."

  She paused. Her voice sounded forced as she continued. These words sounded rehearsed and hollow. "All testers are being given a truly once in a lifetime opportunity. With the assistance of your Proxy, you can craft the life that you have always dreamed of. Wealth beyond what can be imagined. It is all here, for the taking."

  I looked into her eyes. There was something else there. Something else she wanted to say. She matched my gaze.

  "I will be back tomorrow morning for your first attribute distribution and your daily decision items."

  Alfred had just turned his body into a strobe light and was playing sea shanties. I was testing out a hoverboard that he had brought to me.

  "Don’t let him drink himself to death Alfred. The Beta is finalized, we won’t be able to get another tester in." The robot stood at attention and saluted. Lish pressed her hand against the handleless door. She faded away.

  "Hey hey eyes up sunshine. Look alive. We have a lot to get to today."

  I was slumped in one of the fluffy recliners. A hoverboard twisted lazily over my head, end over end. I was still more than a little drunk, and I was seeing double of the alien guide woman.

  "Alfred, brew up some Sive, that will get him focused."

  The robot was on the ground, arms raised over his head. He looked like he had powered down mid break dance move. He snapped awake.

  Lish stood over me impatiently. She had a controller in her hand, and was looking at the three screens mounted on the wall. The screens on the left and right were on, the one in the center was not. Alfred handed me a steaming cup of something. It smelled like citrus lovingly infused with gasoline. She explained that it was something called pulverized Ceboum skin, a fruit we do not have on Earth. Apparently it was one of the main stimulants of choice in this corner of galactic civilization. I took a sip and felt the effects immediately. A swirl of focus and energy, underscored by a calmness. Coffee without the jitters.

  The screen on the left was my actions hub and my tester profile. The screen on the right contained a message and notifications board, as well as a search bar. The middle screen was the first person view of my Proxy. Lish explained that when Proxy Tommy was asleep, the screen would be blank.

  In the actions hub, I could see a prompt, flashing in a red text. The text read, ‘leave your Lake Shore Marketing Strategic Initiatives job’.

  "Actions are irrevocable", Lish said. "However, the most recent selection will always take priority over a previous selection if they are mutually exclusive."

  She pointed at the actions hub. "We do not control the actions of others, so actions are not necessarily guaranteed to occur. For example, let’s say you wanted to reconcile with your ex girlfriend. If she gets hit by a bus before you reach out to her, the action item would be voided.”

  Noted.

  “Without prompting, your Proxy will act according to his current mood, mindset, lived experience, and attributes. I encourage you to make selections each time you receive a prompt. Part of your evaluation as a tester will be based on your response rate.

  Under your actions hub is the tester profile. Here you can see the current attribute distribution. The categories are Strength, Constitution, Intelligence, Wisdom, Charisma, and Wealth. The average for each category is 50. The highest score you can get in each category is 100. Your actions will have cumulative effects on your statistics. You can also receive temporary enhancements or dehancements, which will be listed in parenthesis next to each score. The drinking Proxy Tommy did last night for example, caused some damage. Keep that in mind when you make decisions. Always. All actions have consequences for him. And consequences for him, are consequences for you."

  I looked at my statistics.

  Strength - 42 (-2)

  Constitution - 48 (-2)

  Intelligence - 43 (-2)

  Wisdom - 29 (-2)

  Charisma - 34 (-2)

  Discipline - 40 (-2)

  Wealth - 68

  I was below average in every category, except for Wealth.

  "These numbers… they are random, yeah?"

  "No. Each of these statistics is made up of an algorithm of physical, mental, and emotional characteristics. Prior to the start of the beta we collected organic samples from 100,000 human adults and used that to build the baseline ‘average’ human. We can then compare any individual against that average. Perfect 100s are rare. Everyone who has a 100 in Strength can bench press one of your Ford F150s. And only one person was scored at a 100 in intelligence. A person named Kanye West"

  "What? Kanye, really?"

  This was a shot to the jewels. Sure, I rarely exercise. No, I can’t touch my toes. Yes, I have on occasion tried to pick up stray animals. But according to the objective and impartial AI, I was utterly mediocre. Lish seemed to notice my deflation and addressed it.

  "There were some interesting trends we saw in your society. If we look at those with a similar social class, age, and nationality, you are right in line with the averages of your peers."

  I thought about this for a moment. Young, wealthy Americans were… Let’s not mince words. Lowly. I had to admit, there was some consolation in this. At least what I was born in to was beyond my control.

  "So, if I upgrade the statistics of my Proxy, and make a boatload of dough, when I return to my life, the money and progress stay with me?"

  "Yes, when you return to your life, it will remain."

  “Okay. You’ve told me what, but you haven’t told me why. Why me? Why Earth?

  Lish settled back in her seat.

  “Here’s the thing. Civilizations tend to panic when they lose a sense of control over their own destiny. Every time a galactic envoy shows up uninvited, the locals shoot first and spin the rest into religion or war. So we are trying something new: Let them think they discovered us.”

  “You mean Earth.”

  “I mean every ‘Earth’. Yours just happens to be next. The Proxy Project lets your world stumble into the truth on its own timeline. Not with warships—but with breadcrumbs.”

  “And I’m the breadcrumb?”

  “I like that analogy, but not quite,” she smiled. “Your Proxy is the breadcrumb, you are the baker. Guide your Proxy. If people admire him, listen to him, follow him… we can move him in position to help the rest of Earth wake up slowly, on its own terms.”

  “So what about me? Why me?”

  “My deadline was approaching,” she said with a shrug, “and you looked gullible.”