The Adventurer’s Guild was exactly what Kai expected, which was disappointing.

  He wanted a clean office with a receptionist and maybe a water cooler. What he got was a cavernous beer hall that smelled of sweat, stale ale, and unwashed wolf fur. Burly men arm-wrestled at sticky tables. A Wizard in the corner was trying to light his pipe with a finger-gun spell and failing.

  The room went silent as Kai and Gideon walked in.

  It wasn’t because Kai looked dangerous. It was because Gideon was a moss-covered knight carrying a pumpkin like a baby, and Kai was a skinny guy in a t-shirt smelling like a river fish.

  "Act natural," Kai whispered.

  "I shall project an aura of stoic mystery," Gideon whispered back. He puffed out his chest. The pumpkin squeaked against his armor.

  They approached the front desk. The Guild Master wasn't a cute receptionist. He was an Orc the size of a vending machine, with tusks that looked like they could open soup cans. His nameplate read: GROM.

  Grom looked down at them. He sniffed the air.

  "You smell like Bass," Grom grunted. "Why?"

  "It’s a... religious thing," Kai lied quickly. "We want to register."

  Grom narrowed his eyes. "Registration fee is 5 silver. Or, you pass the Entry Test."

  "We have no money," Gideon declared proudly. "We shall take the test!"

  "Fine," Grom stood up. The wooden stool beneath him disintegrated into splinters. "Test is simple. You see that target dummy?"

  He pointed to the center of the hall. Standing there was a solid steel training dummy, heavily dented and reinforced with magic runes.

  "Hit it," Grom said. "If you dent it, you're Bronze Rank. If you break it, you're Silver. If you melt it, Gold."

  The entire guild hall turned to watch. The arm-wrestling stopped. The Wizard put down his pipe. Fresh meat was always entertainment.

  "Go on, Gideon," Kai nudged him. "Use the... sword."

  "I cannot!" Gideon hissed. "The Pumpkin of Aethelgard is a blunt instrument! It will simply squash! You must do it, Sorcerer!"

  "Me? I can't control my magic!"

  "You summoned a buffet table," Gideon argued. "Just summon something heavy."

  Kai looked at the steel dummy. He looked at the crowd of scary adventurers waiting for him to fail. He looked at Grom, who was cracking his knuckles.

  "Okay," Kai muttered. "Something heavy. Something destructive."

  He stepped forward. He raised his hand. He tried to channel the feeling of pure destruction. He needed a spell that sounded cool, something that would earn him respect.

  "I cast..." Kai took a deep breath. He screamed the most dangerous word he could think of. "APOCALYPSE!"

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  The room went quiet. The word hung in the air.

  Ping.

  A blue box appeared in front of Kai’s face.

  [ System Message: Input Received. "Apocalypse." ] [ Error: User Level (1) is insufficient for End-Of-World scenarios. ] [ Autocorrect Suggestion: Did you mean "Alpacalypse"? ] [ Context: You like fluffy things, right? ]

  "Wait, what? NO!" Kai screamed.

  [ Auto-Applying... NOW. ]

  The air pressure in the guild hall dropped instantly. The torches flickered and went out. A holy white light began to shine from the ceiling, accompanied by the sound of a thousand soft bleating noises.

  Baa? Maaa? Baaaaa!

  POOF.

  It wasn't a single explosion. It was a rapid-fire spawning event.

  One second, the hall was empty. The next, an Alpaca fell from the ceiling. Then two. Then ten. Then five hundred.

  "MAAAAA!"

  They rained down like fluffy meteors. White ones, brown ones, spotted ones. They landed on the tables. They landed on the Orc. They landed on the steel dummy.

  "What is this?!" Grom roared, vanishing beneath a pile of wool.

  "It’s the Woolen Horde!" Gideon shouted, drawing his pumpkin in defense.

  The spawning didn't stop. The room filled up like a ball pit. The alpacas were panicked. They started spitting. Green spit flew everywhere, hitting wizards and warriors alike. The structural integrity of the building groaned as thousands of pounds of South American camels flesh packed into the room.

  Kai was pressed against the registration desk, buried up to his neck in fluff. An alpaca looked him in the eye and chewed on his hair.

  "Stop!" Kai yelled. "End!"

  Ping.

  [ Did you mean: "Bend"? ]

  The steel dummy in the center of the room—buried under the weight of a thousand alpacas—suddenly groaned. The magic took hold. The solid steel torso bent completely in half with a screech of tortured metal.

  CRUNCH.

  The dummy was destroyed.

  The spawning finally stopped. The guild hall was silent, save for the sound of chewing and soft bleating. The floor was covered in three feet of wool.

  Grom, the Orc Guild Master, burst out of a pile of alpacas like a zombie rising from the grave. He spat out a mouthful of fur. He looked at the chaos. He looked at the terrified adventurers swimming in wool.

  Then, he looked at the steel dummy. It was folded in half like a piece of paper.

  Grom’s eyes went wide.

  "You..." Grom rumbled, wading through the sea of animals toward Kai.

  Kai shrank back. "I can explain. I'm sorry. I'll clean it up."

  "You summoned the Beast Legion," Grom whispered, awe in his voice. "And you crushed the Steel Dummy using only... Gravity Pressure?"

  "Uh," Kai blinked. He pulled a piece of alpaca wool out of his mouth. "Yes? That was... the plan. Gravity Pressure. Totally."

  The room erupted in cheers.

  "DID YOU SEE THAT?" the Wizard yelled, holding a baby alpaca. "HE SUMMONED AN ARMY INSTANTLY!"

  "A MASTER SUMMONER!" someone else shouted.

  Grom slammed a massive hand onto the desk. He grabbed a stamp and slammed it onto a piece of parchment.

  [ RANK: GOLD ]

  "Welcome to the Guild, kid," Grom grinned, a tusk poking out. "We haven't had a chaotic caster like you in years. First round of drinks is on you. Assuming we can find the bar under all these goats."

  "They're alpacas," Gideon corrected from the corner, where he was currently feeding his pumpkin to a hungry one.

  Kai stared at his Gold Rank card. He looked at the room full of spitting, fluffy animals. He looked at the "System" window hovering in his vision.

  [ Achievement Unlocked: "The Fluffy Doom" ] [ Current Status: Success (Task Failed Successfully) ]

  Kai sighed, leaned his head back, and closed his eyes.

  "Duck my life."

  Ping.

  [ Correction: Fuck my life. ] [ You're welcome. ]