PART FIVE f - Vaquera

  "How is it a big deal, and any real difference. Again, I'm just frustrated and don't understand. Vaquera… the punishment aside, after that? She fucked me like a goddamn hurricane. Now… you? Fucked me like a hurricane in the living room. Why is it some kind of issue, what name tag you were wearing on your outfit when you did it. I mean, functional equivalency. It was both times… you, that fucked me silly and made me like it. Am I too practical, I'm not catching some… nuance here? Crification."

  "Hmm. You missed your calling. You should have been a tap dancer. That was very… artful."

  "Thank you. I tend to score high on both verbal and logic puzzles. I feel like I'm tap dancing through a minefield. Honey? I'm not making fun of you, when I might have taken the sarcastic or smart-ack route to trying to understand how its fine when you do it, but its not as good when Vaquera did it. To me? Its… you. Under functional equivalence? How much trouble am I in, that I don't care if you dress up like a naughty Christmas elf, as long as you fuck me like a hurricane and make me like it after three hours of… Christ, how sexual assault turns into…"

  "Oh…"

  Washrag, washrag, washrag.

  "What is… oh."

  "Shit. Now I'm in trouble, and I need to say I'm sorry."

  "The chair and the brush, are filtering out me pointing out I have no recourse to punish you with, and I'm definitely not allowed to tell a strict mommy? That being sorry is…"

  "Shit. I wanted to be a strict mommy, not a bad mommy. Well, a naughty mommy, not a horrible one."

  "Fuck. Now I'm in for it. I just called you a horrible mommy. Honey? I'm a computer programmer, we have manuals. I'm an electronics engineer, we have schematics. I'm a little bit of an engineer? We have blueprints."

  "You're scared of me, scared of offending me. And you're frustrated."

  "Something along those lines."

  "The joke in psychology is? Men have manuals, and there's no women's manual."

  "Am I missing the punch line?"

  "Not really much of one. Its funny because it isn't all that funny."

  "Hurry? If for six weeks, or for the next sixteen goddamn years? You wanna tell me, it just is. I can live with that. Or… if you could UN-frustrate my… understanding, and expin how you fucking like a hurricane is great, but Vaquera fucking like a hurricane is even slightly less than great? I would appreciate it. But… if you can't, or won't… I'll just file it under Bermuda triangle, and move on. I'm practical."

  "Wow. Is psychology one of your hobbies now too? You're… asking me a deep therapeutic question. Asking me to question my emotional responses, in a possibly very bad reflexive action. Hmm. Can I have a minute?"

  "Uh… sure. If this leads to an unscheduled Vaquera visit, and a trip to the basement? I'd rather not know the answer."

  "I believe, I am inadvertently using a reflexive overly emotional response, to cover up for an illogical motive. The inherent conflict, is leading me to feel… "

  "Is this a… guy, girl difference thingy? Or… a computer programmer, psych major thingy."

  "Potentially both, potentially neither."

  "See? This is why I stayed primarily in STEM fields, and in fighting. Things are clearer to me."

  "No. I understand you want a logical answer, to a seemingly illogical situation and response. I can also appreciate, you don't want a paragraph of gobbledygook, like you're kinda getting. I'm analyzing it, and… I'm coming up with an… ego malfunction."

  "Chair… brush… I should probably shut up while I still have skin on my ass, right? If you just tell me to write it down, and ask six weeks ter? Or even never at all… I can live with that. I just want to bel the mine on the map, so I don't step on it…"

  "Okay. I might have a… reasonable answer."

  "Does it involve the chair and the brush…"

  "I doubt it. Here goes. I am… kind of… built around? Not the best way to phrase what I feel, but… best I can say on short notice. I'm… built or predicated upon… the idea that I'm supposed to be myself. And, if I have to pretend to be something I'm not? I don't like it."

  "This is the clear answer…"

  "I can do better now. Okay… when you get the hots for Vaquera? It… must trigger me somehow, that Vaquera is a character I pyed, kind of like an actor. And… as an actor, I think I wanna be liked and loved for me, not for the character I once portrayed on the screen."

  "Well, the psych major answer doesn't do a whole lot for me, totally not my field. What would the… traditional girl answer be? Curious…"

  "Oh. Honestly? One of those… oh! Men! And roll their eyes. You're a man, you just don't get it…"

  "Yeah. And its shit like that? That… men roll their eyes, and say… oh! Women! What can you do."

  "Logically? When women say that… men! and roll their eyes, oh, if you were a woman, you'd just get it… that's a typical female cop out. I try not to do that. I hate women for a lot of things, and that's one of them. No different than… expecting men to read minds. And if he can't read their mind, or guess accurately? Oh, he's just not the right one… whee… very silly to me."

  "Wow. My logical, understandable, tomboy girlfriend I can rete to is back."

  "Yeah, but… I'm troubled by what you made me think of. I set up a… well, basically? Role pying. A slightly more advanced version of… be the mailman, or, be the cop… somehow and some way though? I'm irritated that you really fell for Vaquera at some point. Your reaction was just… so…"

  "So what? It got hot suddenly, like I'd been doused in gasoline, but… at some point the match got struck and…"

  "I'm insisting on taking the reins, being the coach, acting as the manager, but… what do we do when the coach is wrong or bad?"

  "Oh. Logically?"

  "Sure."

  "Well. We have many kinds of manager types in the service. Its not so much about you have to be 100 over 100 correct decision making ability. You're human. Its how you handle it when you're wrong, that can make you horrible, just bad, or okay, or good… or even great."

  "Okay. I make a bad call, and people get killed. What would a horrible leader do?"

  "Oh. Pffft. Bme it all on someone else. Usually had a bmer ready to go at all decisions, just in case they need it. They also have a way to take credit for anything, whether they did it or someone else. That's a horrible leader. Its all good reflections on them, all bad reflections on someone else. Men don't respect leaders like that, and men don't have rules, like… well, he wears the smart combat boots, so… its okay."

  "And what does a bad leader do?"

  "Pretty much the same thing, but… they're not trying to reflect back and deflect off, pnning it. They just kind of react, and choose what's best for them and their career. Putting yourself first is bad."

  "Whats an okay leader like?"

  "Kinda… not good, not bad. Just kind of bumps into things, and if it works out good, fine, if it doesn't, again fine. Oh well, you win some, you lose some. Hey, sorry I got 100 men killed today. That's, you're just kind of there. A house cat could accomplish that. Where do we put the team? Oh, wherever Squeaky leaves a paw print."

  "A good leader?"

  "Hmm. Ability. They try to get the best result, for as many people as possible. Including for themselves, you don't have to be a martyr every day. They can accept some constructive criticism. This is a good leader. Not necessarily Napoleon, but… good."

  "And great?"

  "Great leaders. The men come first, they come st. A great leader, will… walk and give his driver and jeep to injured enlisted men. He seeks out criticism, to get better. Anything goes right? He immediately hands out credit to whoever thought of it, even if its the lowliest fuck-up. Anything goes wrong? He takes responsibility for it, even though its beyond his control or couldn't have known. He won't ask you to take risks he wouldn't take. The leader's life is more important than the infantryman's life? But… he won't use that as an excuse for cowardice. He goes and lives in a tent in the mud with his men, because he's damned if he's gonna drink champagne while his men are freezing to death or getting maria. When he's right? He doesn't lord it over you, and when he's wrong? He points it out even if he could easily get away with it. He tells on himself. Its easy to do the right thing, when it benefits you or simply doesn't cost you. Doing the right thing, really matters most when it costs you dear, and you do it anyways, because its the right thing."

  "That's… heavy."

  "I know. The men following you? Will die for you, when you show attributes like that. When you steal all good praise, particurly when you didn't do it? And bme all negative consequences on others, again particurly when it was your doing… the men want to shoot you in the back, and bme it on enemy action. Actually, in combat? That can save lives and win the war. Unfortunately, back stabbing lying weasels tend to get farther faster than stand up guys. The smart thing, and the right thing? Are not very often the same thing."

  "What makes a good follower, then."

  "Do what you're told. Follow orders. That's the bare minimum, you do that, you're a solid guy. If… you know the leader is wrong, and he's not the kind to be great about it? You might have to convince him its his idea. A great follower, covers for mistakes the leader makes, because he's otherwise great, and he's only human. It takes great leaders, being followed by great men? To really get anywhere, at anything."

  "I'm… me and you, us. I'm the leader."

  "Yeah. You? Lead the retionship."

  "What kind of leader am I?"

  "Can I ask for quid pro quo. What kind of follower am I."

  "Hmm. I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. Innocent, and hot."

  "There's two different views. There's how you view yourself as the leader, or the follower. And… then there's how the other or others see you. First tell me what kind of leader you think you are, then I'll tell you what kind I see you as."

  "And you tell me what kind of follower you think you are, then I tell you what kind of follower I think you are."

  "We should do this in stages. We… each take one item of clothing off first, not one strips and then its the other's turn."

  "Who goes first…"

  "Tough one."

  "This could get ugly."

  "This could get beautiful."

  "Hurry thinks… she's born with a natural tendency to jump up and try to take the reins."

  "You're naturally dominant in a retionship with a boy. No mystery there. I… think I'm born with a natural tendency to follow, usually anyways."

  "You're naturally submissive in a retionship with a girl."

  "Its a fun fantasy for you… to be the big strong girl, that runs a kinky sex club. And… creates a situation where she can own and kinky dominate a girl performer's submissive boyfriend. It got you hot to py that role. I thought so. You weren't just doing it for me."

  "It was a fun fantasy for you, to imagine an attractive big strong girl, exercise her personal and physical power, to trap you into a situation against your will, where she could… physically and sexually dominate you and use you for a fuck toy."

  "Real or a game, you got your rocks off. Punishing and torturing me physically and sexually. Then… when I… what? Was overcome and gave in… you got set on fire."

  "Real or a game, you got your rocks off. Being punished and tortured, physically and sexually. Then… when it suddenly turned into carnal lust? You… melted and begged for more. You got set on fire, and I can show you the frame of the video where it happened."

  "Oh. I know when that was. I can't expin it? But… there was a point, it was very real. I mean, you're actually doing these things to me, for hours. Relentlessly. And… when I in a very real way, admitted I liked it, I actually cried a little, admitted it as you said to myself, and… that begging for more, of anything, whatever it was? Was… very real in that super hot moment."

  "We… py out the simir scenario in real life."

  "What Vaquera was actually doing in real life that night… what you were doing to me in the living room that night… both the same, both times I, what? Surrendered… it got hotter for both."

  "We're like an old movie trope. The girl resists, the man makes her, and she suddenly gives in and loves it. We just switched the script. In real life, and in our games."

  "You though… little miss psych major. You… actually wanted me, in real life, to… submit and admit it. Completely."

  "Well. You did ask me, on the third date. If I was using psychology training on you. I said yes and no… I admitted I was, but I swore to god I was doing it for good reasons, not selfish reasons."

  "I thought it was all just a hot script, and sounded really advanced and cool. When you said… when you finally admit it, to yourself, and submit. That you already knew it, I needed to admit it to myself… that I would cry, and it would get great. That you would hear the difference in the cry, and would take me and it would be okay."

  "As a psych major, who has read some about this… naughty impulse topic for obvious reasons on her own… there are a lot, I mean a lot, of elements to these games. That are very real. That, would be one of them. I know it sounds contrived, like some romance movie plot point, but… art imitates life in some ways."

  "Um. I get skin whipped off my ass, if I accuse strict mommy of ying traps, to trick me into big trouble."

  "Hmm. I'm going to go against my very natural, and reasonable mind you… inclination to point at the chair, and the big brush? And say… if you can tap dance through this, try it? I'll try to… not freak. If you try to… not break any more eggshells than you have to…"

  "Wow. I'm rubbing off on you, that was some pretty decent tap dancing there, miss direct and straightforward."

  "Thank you."

  "Mommy is very welcome."

  "Oh. We're normal time. No mommy required."

  "Doesn't mean it isn't hot to say it when we're alone."

  "You, seem to be an excellent follower."

  "You, seem to be an excellent leader."

  "Let's not tap dance off set… what is mommy's psychological trap you think you found the secret map to? Not sure I'm aware of it."

  "Mommy wasn't aware she was jealous, of basically herself. Of her own role she created for herself. Where one would normally assume the person that created their own fantasy role, would not have any issues around it. Yet…"

  "Oh. Touche. Are you going to start to write my psych papers for me?"

  "I'm a STEM lord, dearest. I'd sooner be horsewhipped and doused in rubbing alcohol then dragged over a box of thumbtacks tossed down, than delve into the psych field too willingly."

  "Hmm. I could probably get Vaquera to do that to you, just saying."

  "Ha. I'm wondering if it would get hot…"

  "Fuck. We never know. But… the cunningly id trap, that I either pnted for you knowingly, or… unknowingly? Now I'm fucking curious you're going to pull another psych major rabbit out of your ass. Give, little doggy. Give."

  "What's one of your major themes about rules?"

  "Cheating. I will---"

  "We both know what you would do."

  "And… my cunningly id trap? Willingly or subconsciously prepared is…"

  "You live with three, somewhat tall strong girls. Two of which, I asked out that turned me down. From day one, you go nuts with rules to prevent the obvious from happening, but, also from day one… encouraged me to watch the leg show eye candy. My loyalty is constantly being observed, and even tested. Reminds me of the boss that goes nuts about stealing, then leaves the door open, to see if you filch something. Secretly waiting, to go… aha!"

  "You admitted, you… after knowing her now, actually like Little Lightning. If you had any… designs? That's the st thing you'd admit. You would get defensive, and make up all kinds of nit picky reasons why you actually think she's horrible, and nitpick little physical reasons why you can't stand her. Her room's too messy, it reminds me of my aunt, who used to set me on fire when she babysat me… she wears yellow socks, I love otherwise attractive women, but yellow socks? Ew. Its natural. If you were trying or even fantasizing and not even intending to, that would be the natural mechanisms you would consciously or unconsciously employ. Your motives are pure. Its… actually a little monk-like, but… the natural enhanced loyalty gene of the sigma? Makes it make perfect sense."

  "Okay. Then… the… refresh my memory. Did I or did I not get punished, for crying foul, when you suggested your little tickle party? I mean, from my point of view. Hey, how about girls we all know you find attractive, and we both know you're a kinky little submissive… hey! How about I get a fun game going, where me and one or more other women, physically dominate you and tickle you against your will. Then, I say no? You freak. I'll do that and more, if I choose to! It… just felt… off, weird. Like I said, reminded me of a boss who always forgets twenty bucks. Oopsie. I assume traps are being id for me."

  "Oh fuck. I might have punished you, for telling me no, or maniputing me… I didn't look at it like that… Christ."

  "That wasn't the only time I felt you were accidentally dropping a couple 20 dolr bills. Seeing if I returned them or not."

  "There… were others?"

  "You constantly told me stories about… what the bad mommies do with their sluts. Having mommy friends over, and forcing them to be shared. Selling or trading or giving them away. Having mommy parties and the slut is forced to be… group entertainment. Oh, I don't do that! But, all the others do it. One of the mommy parties, was even a tickling party. Which was what started the whole… issue that led to me being punished, for trying to be loyal. Which… felt weird."

  "Holy shit. You… were showing an enhanced sense of loyalty against cheating, and I punished you for it. Oh good Christ…"

  "How much trouble am I in, if I can give another… I felt weird situation?"

  "I think mommy is in trouble, but go ahead. Christ almighty."

  "You, designed the role pying game. Came up with the characters, the backstories, the plot… everything. It was a plot point to threaten me with… everyone in the club would hear what you were doing to me in your office, you would throw a party for the girls over, and use me in front of them… basic mommy-bang type of scenario."

  "Hmm. That's… a very interesting observation. You point out a recurring theme. Its very distinct. Its a verifiable pattern."

  "Well. Since I point it out, would you call it a… simple statistical anomaly? I'd buy that. One time bck came up on the roulette wheel, something like 73 times in a row. The odds are a number so long you need walls to write the actual 1 in a zillion billion number out longhand… but it happened, its verified, and they tore the whole setup apart, to see what wasn't statistically possible? Yet it happened. It could be a giant statistical accident."

  "And on the other hand, its a subconscious trend. One that I had the ability to use physical force to make it possible, and…"

  "I thought you were constantly testing me. Dropping a couple rge bills on accident once a week. Seeing if I was honest or not. Because it was such a big deal to you personally."

  "Shit. It actually is a big deal to me. How I could be going around subconsciously trying to create the very thing I dread? I don't know."

  "Eh. Daredevils? Its thought that some of them at least, are trying to commit suicide, but in a way its almost subconscious."

  "Strict mommy has two questions for you…"

  "What is a chair, and what is a brush?"

  "Hmm. Fun option. Get back to me on that one, but… I was thinking? Why am I leading the retionship, and why aren't you writing my psych papers and coming up with ideas for experiments and papers. Hmm."

  "Bullwhip, rubbing alcohol, thumbtacks sounds like more fun to me."

  "More so than which one? Leading the retionship, or doing psych insights and evals?"

  "Maybe both. I've never fully led any retionship that went well. I either got pyed and used so bad they might as well have tied a saddle on my ass and rode me down main street, I think was how you put it… or, I was in the opposite position. Where I could get all the decent one night stands I wanted, and couldn't buy a retionship, good or bad. You checking off my checklist item by item, and handing it back to me, sign here, little boy. Fuck time is this day and time. Don't be te, you need three changes of clothes. And if you don't bring a whip and rope, mommy will have some for us. Oh no, I have no idea why this retionship works great."

  "Can we go back to your… psych workup?"

  "Oh. That again…"