Shu and Shai stayed with us until after we had eaten. Then they made their way back to Purresia with the heads of the vampyres. Despite Shai’s over the top energy, they seem like nice people.
Kiyui told them that he was there when the demon killed his mother. Which technically isn’t a lie. He asked them to try and spread the word that he is alive and that his father definitely isn’t a murderer. Which they both agreed to. They trust Kiyui implicitly. They must have had an immensely close relationship when they were younger to still have this level of trust after six years apart.
Despite all of this… I find myself incredibly jealous of Shu. I know that Kiyui doesn’t believe in the whole single sexual partner thing. He exchanges sexual favours as easily as most people would a hug, or even a handshake. I get it… I do… he started young… his culture is very open about sex… he was a prostitute for six years. Obviously, he is going to be a lot more casual about this stuff than me. But… it still makes me uncomfortable… that he would happily just go down on somebody… and make no effort to hide it from me. In fact, if I hadn’t told Nomius to leave, he would have done it in front of me.
I know that him and I haven’t actually had sex yet… we are still in handsy territory… he cleans it with his mouth afterwards… but we definitely aren’t at the point of a proper blowjob yet… never mind full blown sex. Does it only count as a relationship once you start having sex? Or does it start when you kiss? Or do you both have to openly state that it is one?
I have never actually established with him what we are. It took all the courage that I had to tell him that I like him. He told me that he liked me. But that is as far as the conversation ever went. I never asked him if he would like to be in a relationship with me. I never asked him to be my boyfriend. I rather thought that after everything that we have been through together that maybe he did view me as his boyfriend.
He did refer to me as his man last night. Surely that is a sign. But if he gives his friends blowjobs as a simple thank you, is he just doing this stuff with me to say ‘thanks for the support… thanks for the help… thanks for getting me through this deep emotional turmoil… now let me help you out of those britches.’
Am I just a very good friend to him? What if he doesn’t actually find me attractive… I mean… I wouldn’t blame him… I’m fucking hideous. Have I just been deluding myself this whole time? I probably have been. All the times he touched me, I doubt he was aroused at all. He’s just doing it because he’s nice… and polite… and wants to thank his friend for all the help. I’ve been so stupid. Why did I let myself think he actually liked me in that way. I really like him and he’s just being nice back.
You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.
I should talk to him about it. If I ask him then that’ll clear up any misunderstandings. I just need to get him alone and talk to him. Fuck… no… wait… I can’t do that… what if I ask him this and he takes offence… what if he feels insulted by me suggesting his feelings aren’t genuine. Even if he doesn’t take offense, he’ll probably lie and tell me what he thinks I want to hear. Or worse yet… what if he’s honest with me and everything I suspect is true… that would be more crushing than anything.
Oh fuck… just fuck. This isn’t anything like the stories you find in books. They never have all of these issues. Then again… in those stories it is always some handsome gallant adventurer and a sweet young innocent maiden. Kiyui is far from being an innocent maiden… and let’s be honest… I am definitely not a handsome gallant adventurer.
Not a single story that I read featured a goblin in a positive role… but it is obvious why… I certainly wouldn’t expect there to be. But none of the stories even featured an ugly lead character. None of them even have a plain, normal looking main character. Books never start with “Sir Theobald the mediocre… he was of average height, with a standard face, and a perfectly bland personality.” Most them are so on the nose about the hero’s amazing body that they may as well open with “Sir Perfect, the well-endowed.”
None of these stories ever feature a prostitute as part of the romance either. The love interest is always some virgin who has probably never seen a penis before in her life. I’d say that I could play the innocent virgin role but I certainly don’t have the look of a beautiful young maiden. None of the stories ever featured a man being with another man either. I was beyond confused when Agaroth brought Kiyui along that day and they explained that he slept with men… and they all just accepted it and were fine with it. I mean… I am now well aware that it is a lot more common than fairy stories suggest… and I am also well aware that there is nothing wrong with it… I just spent the first two years of my life somewhere where it was considered wrong.
Honestly… goblins considered homosexuality wrong but were totally fine with rape… worse than that actually… they actively encouraged it. Urgh… as if I needed to think of yet another reason to hate my ancestors… fucking hell.
In the stories they meet… the adventurer rescues the maiden. They talk, they fall in love, they get married and everybody is happy forever more. Why can’t the real world be that simple? Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why can’t I be confident enough to just talk to him about my feelings openly? Why does the idea of actually talking to him make me so nervous that I might actually be sick? Why do we have to have such different views on this stuff? Why can’t I just accept how casual he is without being so insecure? Why does something that he doesn’t even think twice about send me into some awful thought spiral that I can’t seem to get out of? I hate my mind… I hate the way I think… I hate the way I am… fuck… I just hate myself.
