Egbert-Mimic Village

  The bandits were slowly pushing through the myconid swarms and off the bridge. Cromwell was personally leading the way through the clamoring piles of snapping mushroomy maws.

  He jutted his staff forward in a slow movement, gathering mana on either side of him before it tore through his staff and out into the crowd in a torrent of flames nearly ten strides long. He cooked an entire path through the center of them, and then whiped his brow, strain evident from the spell.

  “Forward! Use your rods, everyone; we must find this abomination’s core. Its minions will not stymie us!” The brigands swept past Cromwell, fanning out in small groups as they started poking around the village.

  A single brigand burst into the house, with John and Boo rushing forward and very much so not checking for enemies lying in wait. Boo didn’t even get to scare the shit out of him; Jhon popped up from behind a decrepit bookshelf and hit him with a skill-empowered cross to the chin. A shockwave of force made the building tremble lightly, and the brigand slammed into a wall limply.

  Jhon wasted no time rushing back and closing the door before starting to tie up the unconscious bandit. Boo let out a sad psychic chime followed by a creepy whisper that echoed across the minds of all in the village: “But I wanted to play…” Her eyes strobed ominously with unfathomable light.

  John finished tightening a loop around his quarry's hands. “Then go play, you damned nightmare; it’s a smorgasbord of weak-willed idiots out there for you!” John whispered back, trying to not look at the unsettling being too directly.

  Boo let out a giggle and scurried along the ceiling to perch right above the doorway. Her timing was impeccable; another bandit slammed the door open and burst straight in. There was an awkward moment where he stared at John who was kneeling on the other brigand, hands full of rope.

  John clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth in annoyance. “Hmm, ahh, yeah, so, this isn’t what it looks like.”

  “It looks like you’re hogtying Ted, asshole.” The gruff figure shot back, leveling a spear towards John.

  “Okay, yeah, maybe it is what it looks like, but ahhh… Look, there's a monster above you!” John shouted and pointed exaggeratedly behind the man.

  “Wow, asshole, that’s the lamest try I’ve ever seen from a fucking…” He trailed off as long, dark, chitinous spider limbs slowly put pressure on his shoulders. He froze in abject horror as Boo sinuously clambered from the ceiling onto his shoulders, and peeked around so they were eye-to-many-eyed horror.

  “PPPEEEEKKAABBOOO” Screamed out and directly into his mind. His eyes and ears bled for just a heartbeat before the sheer psychic shock knocked his ass out as well. Boo grumpily skittered onto his chest after he fell, poking at his face with her forelimbs.

  “Think you broke that one. Be a good spider and go find another, alright?” John entreated. Boo chortled and skittered out the door. He shivered and pulled out more rope. “Just think of the rewards, man. Just think of the rewards. Ender has it worse than I do.”

  Egbert pulled his view back to a more overhead look at the battlefield. Most of the forces were going ahead deeper into the dungeon, having not gotten a hit on their core divining rods.

  That’s right. I moved my core! It took some really questionable teamwork between Boo and Remorse, but I've stuffed it somewhere none of you will get to it!

  The scattered few forces filtering through the areas around the building were being unknowingly stalked by the world's most playful spider. But there was one large group of four brigands and a mage that was going into the house holding Ender and Boo’s new brother.

  As much as Egbert wanted to see the guys outside getting heart attacks one by one from some really not okay jumpscares, he wanted to see how Boo’s big brother handled invaders more.

  Ender was hidden in the key and chest room, back against the wall, peeking around the doorway, sword in hand. His accomplice was flattened against the ceiling with thousands of eyes closed in a somewhat half-hearted attempt at hiding.

  I mean, it will probably work if they don’t look up.

  A weaselly battlemage named Ivan blasted the door open with a totally unnecessary lightning bolt that peppered the room in wooden shards. Two of his men rushed ahead of him, taking protective positions. Ivan stepped in with a swagger, lighting trailing from his hands up the staff and back down again, lighting the fairly dark room with eerie, uneven flashes.

  The front bandit, a bear of a man in thick furs, held up a hand for them all to stop looking hard towards the doorway; Ender was behind. “Hey you, I can tell you’re there, you prick. I have a skill that lets me see magic items through walls. Tell you what, toss that nice glimmering sword over here and whatever the hell that amulet is, and I'll just let you go.” He looked towards Ivan to make sure that was okay. Ivan gave a noncommittal shrug.

  “Fraid I can’t do that, guys; if I do that, I’m screwed.”

  “Oh, come off it. I have better things to do than shank a random adventurer. I already said I’d let you go if you gave us the loot.”

  The form on the ceiling above them subtly shifted, legs moving excruciatingly slowly as it crept towards the front door to cut off their exit. While it did that, the behemoth of a spider began a slow, horrifying psychic song. It was a children’s rhyme but sung in the voice of an executioner talking to his next customer: “Once there was a brigand and a Spriggan; they became the best of friends…” Everyone in the room started looking around in confused concern.

  “What in the seven hells is this evil? Does greed employ demons?” Ivan hissed while whirling in a small circle with his staff at the ready. Everyone else also had weapons in hand poking towards flickering shadows.

  My gods, guys, can no one look up? It’s the size of a damned pony and has more glowing eyeballs than skin. At this point you deserve it for sheer lack of observational skills and basic survival instincts.

  The big bandit was the first to notice the impending doom in the room; his gaze slowly rose upwards, taking in the massive spider covered in thousands of malevolent eyes, each a portal to a dark place within your own mind. He tried to stammer a warning, but the words caught in his throat. The awful lullaby still running through the room line by line.

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  The bandit shakily turned towards his nearest companion, trying to mouth the words “help me” before the rhyme finished. “And pop goes the bandit!” Chimed cheerfully through the room. A fine pink mist coated everything in the room. The only thing left of the bandit was a pile of furs on the ground.

  Ender pressed himself against the wall and stared at the floor, muttering prayers to any god that would listen as Alto, the newest spider horror of the dungeon, finally descended to the floor, starting another deranged rhyme for his victims to enjoy.

  Egbert shuddered slightly. Oh gods, why is my most effective monster still a damned spider! What's worse is that this big bastard listens even better than his sister! Like, what's up with that! I shouldn’t complain...he's doing exactly what I asked him to. Just…decidedly his own way. I was hoping maybe he would subdue them…

  Another final word rang out, and red chunks and bits of cloth gushed from every window in the house.

  Ahh...welp...they are sure subdued... I, I think I should go now…good luck with all the therapy, Ender. Hey, you earned a bunch of greed points… I mean none for the bandits, but once you turn the staff in.

  Ender stumbled out of the house with a dazed, shell-shocked look on his face. He was coated from hair to toes in a red slurry filled with more than a few pieces of scalp and regret. He had Ivan's staff loosely hanging in his hand. He just stared off into space for nearly a minute while Jhon made his way through the myconids to reach him.

  John went to pat him on the shoulder but stopped, scrunching his face in distaste and thinking better of it. “Ahh welp…now you get it…I’m guessing,” Jhon said kindly to Ender’s gently swaying form.

  “This place is evil….” Ender whispered.

  “Ahh yes, yes it is…lucrative though…” John grabbed the staff with a crooked smile. “C’mon, buddy, let’s go get you drunk. If we get you hammered fast enough, you might not remember! Ender nodded frantically and let Jhon lead him through the myconids towards the hallway downward.

  I mean, there's no one bartending right now, but…okay…also, stop calling me evil; it's rude and mostly untrue based on your definition of the word… Egbert glanced at the rivers of red slowly pouring from Alto’s last attack to pool like a lake around the house Ender was in. Mostly untrue…

  Instead of having a moment of potentially dangerous self-reflection that might send his already tentative psychological state spiraling, Egbert rushed forwards; he wanted to see how the invaders did with some of his new surprises, and he could already hear curses coming from the tunnel leading down towards the tavern.

  ***

  The orphans and Thrognar

  They piled through the narrow winding tunnel that led down to the tavern, stuffed in the middle of a press of bodies. Resh had saved everyone from whatever fuckery greed unleashed a few strides ago; a damned hidden wall had slid across the hallway, separating the entire back half of the group. So there were at least five or six idiots playing tag with whatever trap greed had added now. The group that made it past Greed's surprise spilled into the massive cavern, coming out a dozen strides below the world's angriest sideways waterfall and another dozen strides away from the tavern and a few milling groups of adventurers.

  There was a real awkward pause as the various adventurers turned to look at the brigands like a plump honeyed hog had just waltzed in on a silver platter. The bandits noticed it too. One right next to the orphans mumbled to his neighbor, “Uhh…those guys look like the biggest bounty in the county just walked into the room.”

  “Yeah, what the hell’s…oh, sheesh, is that a squad of knights? This…this isn’t what I signed up for.”

  Resh grabbed the others. “Get the fuck out of the pack of bad guys!”

  Orlock stood his ground and harshly whispered back, “What? Why? We have the perfect chance; once they go around the tavern, we ambush the back line.” Lily watched as Randy ignited his sword with a big toothy grin, like he had just won the lottery, and started pushing Thrognar along.

  Resh leaned right into Orlock’s face. “Hey, look at the adventurers. There's a fucking invasion going on, and they look utterly thrilled. Why would that be?”

  Realization slowly dawned across Orlock’s face. “Oh, oh, gods, greed did something.”

  “Yup, hell if I know what, but frickin’ move!” Resh skirted out of the crowd with the others angling off towards their little orphan shacks for cover; they could still help once It all kicked off, but they definitely didn’t want to be caught up in what was about to happen. If they were actually mistaken for bandits, things could get real ugly real fast.

  Cromwell stepped forward, facing the scattered adventurers. “Step aside, and none of you shall be bothered. This is a matter of justice and pride for Ulfric’s Academy of Wizardry and the magical arts! I, Cromwell, master of the elements, do hereby declare…” He was abruptly cut off as the evilest hiss imaginable rang from a rock clutched within Carter's hand.

  Egbert’s voice rolled out maliciously. “Oh, stuff it, you pompous windbag. You look like your mother left you unattended in the dress shop. Seriously, who wears a battle robe with frills? I can’t even wear clothes, and I find it offensive.”

  Cromwell stiffened in confusion and outrage. He certainly didn’t know what to expect from the dungeon, but it wasn’t…this. “Now listen here, you vile, treacherous evil…”

  “Shhh. Shhhhh…no monologuing in the dungeon…new rule…” As Egbert said, a new sign popped into existence next to Cromwell.

  “I’ll have you know I wasn’t monologuing; I was just declaring my glorious…” He stopped talking as his coin purse noticeably lightened.

  “Ahhhh…there we go, blessed silence. Now...my turn. Turn out your pockets and then get out.” Carter frowned at the rock and tossed it over his shoulder to cut greed off.

  “Nah, ignore the pissy rock; hang out for a bit. You guys are worth a whole lot of loot boxes.” Carter gave an evil smile towards Nostradamus and his fleshy book.

  “What on earth is a loot box? Are you all mad? Serving a dungeon like this is… Oh goddammit, I am not monologuing; stop taking my money!” Cromwell raged and peeked into his nearly empty coin purse.

  Randy looked over at everyone on Greed's side and flared his flaming blade obnoxiously. “Dibs on the creepy guy.”

  “Pfft, no calling dibs, man; first come, first served.” Another adventurer shot back.

  “Stop! Stop talking over me, you lowborn Cretins!” Cromwell sputtered.

  “I mean, I’m literally a prince, but okay, be all classist like that,” Carter shot back.

  “Most of the room stared at Carter after that for a long second. Cromwell’s brows furrowed in confusion and a bit of politically minded concern. “Pardon, did you say you are a prince?”

  “Yep, Carter Iberius Valentine, crown prince of Eden’s Vale, yadda, yadda, yadda.”

  “The…the actual heir to Eden’s Vale’s throne!? Why are you here fighting in a dungeon? What is this madness?”

  “The levels, man, the Essence gains in this deranged rat’s maze are fucking great. And well, who the hell is going to tell me no? I'm the fucking crown prince.” Carter said with surprising passion.

  “Way to name-drop, man,” Ben whispered and rolled his eyes.

  Cromwell took an actual step back. “Umm, my sire... I think we have a misunderstanding.”

  “No misunderstanding, you and your staff are worth a fat chunk of greed points; get over here, I want to open some loot boxes.” Carter started advancing towards Cromwell, and all hell broke loose.

  The clusters of adventurers charged in reckless abandon, firebolts and blades of mana cascading outwards. Cromwell summoned a massive wall of ice that jutted from the ground between the two groups, at least partially impeding visibility.

  The brigands and mages scattered like utter roaches. Cromwell and his group dashed left to go into the tavern. Some bandits sprinted right towards the children's houses. The largest overall pack of them, containing another mage and the core diddler himself, Nstradomus, ran forward at a sharp angle out towards the battlefield.

  The adventurers gave chase, scattering to the winds in small parties after their chosen prey. Randy looked at his friends and then towards the fleeing groups. “Dammit, alright, guys, creepy flesh-bound tome guy or pretentious prick. They are both worth a lot of points.”

  Joe watched Cromwell's slightly frilly robe disappear into the tavern and pointed that way. “I vote for that guy mostly because he seems shit scared of causing a diplomatic incident, and it’s hilarious.”

  Carter nodded with a very unprincely smile. “Seconded.”

  “Alright, dramatic robes and monologues it is.” Randy agreed.

  From behind them the evil pet rock suddenly started talking again. “Yes! Flee before the might of greed!”

  “Little slow on the uptake, man…” Ben jibed while rushing towards the tavern.

  “I was busy…” Egbert hissed out.