Intern’s Log: Stubby, the Explosives Maniac Who Won’t Stop Laughing

  Date: Redacted

  Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I now fear small dogs.)

  So, after my deeply unsettling introduction to Chips, the tactical war machine who is definitely planning a coup, I decided to check out one of the other Good Boys.

  You know.

  For variety.

  For my own sanity.

  For a change of pace.

  Which is how I ended up in the testing range with Stubby.

  And now?

  Now I deeply regret every choice that has led me to this moment.

  Because Stubby?

  Stubby is an absolute menace.

  Phase One: Meet Stubby, the Smallest Agent of Chaos

  Unlike Chips—who radiates cold, terrifying control—Stubby is nothing but unfiltered, joyful destruction.

  He’s smaller than the others, but don’t let that fool you.

  ? Boston Terrier genes, meaning he is compact, muscular, and alarmingly fast.

  ? Perpetually grinning, as if he just got away with something (because he probably did).

  ? Covered in soot half the time because he is always near an explosion.

  ? Laughs. Constantly. At everything.

  Oh, and let’s not forget:

  ? HE IS THE EXPLOSIVES EXPERT.

  Because of course.

  Of course they gave the smallest, most hyperactive, least cautious Good Boy access to high-yield demolition charges.

  Phase Two: My First Experience with Stubby (a.k.a. I Almost Died in a ‘Controlled’ Test)

  The first time I met Stubby, he was already in the middle of a detonation test.

  I was just there to observe.

  I was told:

  Stolen story; please report.

  "It’s perfectly safe, Reynolds. It’s a controlled experiment, Reynolds."

  Mistake #1: Believing the word ‘controlled’ applied to anything Stubby does.

  Because as soon as I stepped onto the range?

  I heard laughter.

  Fast, rapid-fire heh-heh-heh-heh-heh sounds.

  Like a gremlin who just found the self-destruct button.

  I turned—

  And saw Stubby, sitting way too close to a set of charges, holding the detonator, grinning ear to ear.

  "You new?" he asked, way too casually.

  "Uh. Yeah."

  "Cool! Hope you got good reflexes!"

  And then—

  HE PRESSED THE BUTTON.

  Phase Three: I Almost Died and Stubby Thought It Was Hilarious

  There is a very specific sound that happens when a detonation goes off closer than expected.

  It’s not just a boom.

  It’s a deep, concussive thump that you feel in your bones.

  And as the explosion sent dirt flying and I hit the ground in a very undignified way, I heard:

  ? The alarm klaxons blaring.

  ? The facility loudspeakers shouting “UNAUTHORIZED DETONATION DETECTED.”

  ? Stubby, laughing so hard he nearly choked.

  I looked up, dazed, ears ringing.

  Stubby was cackling, rolling onto his back.

  "OH, MAN!" he wheezed. "DID YOU SEE YOUR FACE?!"

  "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" I shouted.

  He wiped a tear from his eye, still grinning.

  "That, my friend, was a live demonstration!"

  I am going to die here.

  Phase Four: The Conversation That Did Not Help

  After I collected myself and muttered every curse word I knew, I decided to try and understand what, exactly, was wrong with Stubby.

  "Do you… like explosions?" I asked, because clearly, I have the IQ of a walnut.

  He snorted.

  "Does a dog like chasing cars?"

  Okay. Fair.

  "But why explosives?"

  He tilted his head.

  "Because you don’t gotta aim."

  I blinked.

  "You… what?"

  "Listen, buddy," he said, sitting cross-legged in the dirt like we were having a casual beer. "Shooting’s fun. Knives are fun. But explosions?

  He gestured dramatically.

  "Explosions are EQUAL OPPORTUNITY."

  I just stared.

  "You know how many firefights end up in bad positioning? In low visibility? With explosions, you just make your own battlefield."

  And then, with an absolutely feral grin, he added:

  "And sometimes? Sometimes you don’t even need the explosion."

  "Oh?" I asked, against my better judgment.

  "Sometimes you just plant a charge, sit back, and watch people panic about whether or not it’s real."

  And that?

  That was when I realized—

  Stubby isn’t just a demolitions expert.

  Stubby is a psychological warfare specialist.

  Phase Five: The Time I Saw a Scientist Cry Because of Him

  I later found out that one of the lab engineers had to take a leave of absence because of Stubby.

  Why?

  Because Stubby left a SINGLE, UNCONNECTED DETONATOR on the scientist’s desk and walked away.

  Did it do anything?

  No.

  Did it have any explosives attached?

  Absolutely not.

  Did the scientist spiral into an anxiety-fueled breakdown, refusing to touch anything for two full days?

  Yes. Yes, he did.

  Stubby thought it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen.

  "Sometimes," he told me later, "you don’t even need an explosion. You just need people to think there might be one."

  And that?

  That’s when I decided I am never making this dog angry.

  Final Thoughts (I Fear the Small Dog)

  ? Stubby is not just an explosives expert.

  ? Stubby is an agent of chaos.

  ? Stubby enjoys watching people sweat more than he enjoys the actual explosion.

  ? I will never, ever trust him again.

  ? I have developed a newfound fear of small dogs.

  I don’t know what this project is trying to create.

  But I do know one thing.

  Some men just want to watch the world burn.

  And some dogs?

  Want to make sure it burns in the funniest way possible.

  End Log.