Intern’s Log: I Am Having Twins, and I Am Not Okay

  Date: [The Day My Life Changed Forever, Again]

  Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (Currently Processing Too Much Information)

  So.

  It’s twins.

  ? Two babies.

  ? Two lives I am now responsible for.

  ? Two identical realities forming inside my wife at this very moment.

  I thought I was prepared.

  I had plans.

  I had backup plans.

  I had backup backup plans.

  But nothing—

  NOTHING—

  Could have prepared me for the moment the sonogram tech casually dropped, “Oh, didn’t you know? You’re having twins!”

  And my entire goddamn reality collapsed.

  Phase One: The Moment I Stopped Functioning

  I stared at the screen.

  Then at Evelyn.

  Then at the screen again.

  Then at Bandit bursting into the room screaming that he won a bet.

  And then—

  Then my brain blue-screened.

  ? My mouth was moving.

  ? Words were not forming.

  ? I forgot how to breathe.

  ? I momentarily questioned whether or not I was real.

  Because twins.

  That meant double everything.

  Double the chaos.

  Double the crying.

  Double the existential weight of parenthood.

  I was barely wrapping my head around one baby.

  Now, I was going to have two.

  I turned to Evelyn.

  "Did I do this?"

  Her eyes narrowed.

  "YOU DON’T KNOW THAT?!"

  Phase Two: The “This Is Your Fault” Debate

  Look.

  In my defense—

  Reality has been bending to my will a little too easily lately.

  I killed a god.

  I anchored existence to immortal alligator-people.

  I made myself immune to the Architects.

  So.

  It is not outside the realm of possibility that I may have accidentally willed more children into existence.

  Goldie huffed in amusement.

  "This is a sign of strength. A fine mate provides multiple offspring."

  Bandit grinned.

  "My boy Reynolds rolled for fertility and hit the crit."

  Vicky smirked.

  "And now you have double the responsibility. How fun."

  Meanwhile—

  Evelyn was staring into my soul with the full force of a woman who knows this is my fault.

  "Reynolds."

  "…Yes, dear?"

  "Did you do this?"

  "I don’t think I did this!"

  "BUT YOU DON’T KNOW THAT!"

  I paused.

  Then, very softly:

  "No. No, I do not."

  And Evelyn threw her head back and groaned.

  Phase Three: The Unhinged Planning Begins

  If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

  Once I recovered from my existential crisis, I did what I always do.

  I made plans.

  Because now,

  Instead of one baby, I had to prepare for two.

  Which meant—

  ? Emergency supplies needed to be doubled.

  ? Baby-proofing had to be recalibrated for multiple escapees.

  ? A containment field had to be designed in case they inherited any of my reality-warping tendencies.

  ? I needed to have at least four different escape plans in case something cosmic tried to claim them as “chosen ones.”

  "Reynolds," Evelyn said.

  "Yes, dear?"

  "Why are you making containment protocols instead of a nursery?"

  "I am making a nursery! It’s just a high-security nursery."

  "Reynolds."

  "Listen! If one alien species has already sent us gifts, you know more are coming! Do you want our kids to get kidnapped by some interdimensional cult?!"

  Bandit started taking notes.

  "He’s got a point."

  Evelyn pinched the bridge of her nose.

  "I swear to God, I married an insane person."

  "I prefer ‘strategic visionary.’"

  Goldie grunted approvingly.

  "He is simply ensuring his offspring’s survival. A proper mate thinks ahead."

  Evelyn glared.

  "STOP ENCOURAGING HIM."

  Phase Four: The Galaxy Reacts

  Because of course,

  The moment the sonogram results were finalized,

  The alien factions found out.

  ? The Galactic Council sent an emergency communique.

  ? The Uplifted began discussing “hereditary leadership structures” in ways that made me very nervous.

  ? The Order of Rectal Justice sent a cryptic message that I don’t even want to think about right now.

  ? The Architects have not reacted, which is somehow worse than if they had.

  ? Gary, our immortal Gharialian Reality Anchor, simply stated, “This will be interesting.”

  And then—

  Then, of course, the Pope called.

  Because why wouldn’t Pope John Paul II have an opinion on my unborn twins?

  "Ah, Reynolds. God bless you, my son."

  "Uh. Thank you, Your Holiness?"

  "You are being tested, my child."

  "I REALLY DON’T NEED MORE TESTS RIGHT NOW."

  "Then prepare yourself. Because your children will change the universe."

  And then he hung up.

  Because of course he did.

  And I?

  I just sat there, head in my hands, trying to process everything.

  Final Thoughts (I Am So, So Screwed)

  ? I am having twins.

  ? The universe is reacting.

  ? Evelyn is convinced this is entirely my fault.

  ? Bandit is taking bets on whether or not the kids will have godlike powers.

  ? **The Pope has opinions. **

  ? My stress levels have reached a point where I might actually become immortal just out of sheer necessity.

  I don’t know what’s going to happen next.

  But I do know this—

  I need a drink.

  End Log.