Journal 6

  Sol 156

  James’ continues to grow his beard and hair and I shed my skin. I make the food, he catches the food, we both take turns messing with the power cells to try to configure a stronger signal of some kind, and we both watch the red storms flash overhead and take in the mirror quality of the rain washing along the white sands. It’s almost as if heaven touched the earth and we two mortals are basking in its majesty.

  I have noticed James sneaking off to himself in his bedroom. I hear him cry some nights. More than usual. Then again, I do too. He yearns for his family again. I yearn for my unrequited love for Cora.

  Yet deep down in my soul, I feel as if my life and everything has sped past me to a future that I am not ready for. As if time stopped just for the two of us and life moved on for centuries due to time dilation. I know it deep down this is most likely the case.

  I refuse to give in to the notion.

  One night as we both star gazed and watched the ship’s antenna blink a signal into the sky, we talked about the future. What our plans were and so forth. Something so innocent seemed so terrifying at the time. For me, I didn't want to go back to war and have to kill humans ever again.

  I had a lot on my mind and I wanted to ask something. Something that gnawed at my insides like a parasitic larvae of the horax vermin found on the planet Filot Prime.

  I asked James, “If we were to get off this planet, what do you think will happen?”

  “We go back home.”

  “Will it be changed or will we have changed instead?”

  “Both.”

  “Can’t be that simple.”

  “I know… Ever tell you about how I met my wife?”

  “No. Just her name is all.”

  “Anna and I met at a dive bar. I was already in the marines and it was my weekend off. I just wanted to drink away the pain of training and space travel. We were back on Earth in Texas… My home state… She was an angel. I was a devil.”

  “You a devil? Ha! Why is that?”

  “You see… I was also fresh from the brig for assaulting an officer and being demoted back down to corporal. I was a recently made lieutenant. I got into a fight with another lieutenant over whether or not the men are expendable resources. I said they were not. He said otherwise.”

  “Why do you see it that way?”

  “Hmm?”

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  “Why the men are not expendable? We’re soldiers. We’re only cogs in a machine. Nothing more. We do our duty and go home once the fight is over.”

  “Is that how you see it?”

  “It is what’s indoctrinated in me from the day I chose to be one.”

  “Soldiers, regardless of species, are not machines… We’re only people,” he said with conviction looking at the stars.

  I was speechless. It’s been many moons and I have never once thought of this.

  Are the tenets wrong? Am I wrong? Is my army wrong… No! No. I’m just giving in to emotion. Must remain logical.

  He continued, “Anyway, I meet her at the bar. She noticed I looked alone and somewhat handsome believe it or not.”

  “I won’t, but continue.”

  “I obliged her advances and she asked to come dance with me. I asked why. She told me that she didn’t want to dance with a drunk cowboy her friends set her up with and she wanted to be with me instead because I looked friendlier.”

  “So you were used as a prop?”

  “Initially… But as the songs continued and the night dragged on… We began to talk about interests and so forth. I like nature and learning abstract things. She loves art and is an avid reader of everything. A kind and loving soul. I’m a sensitive soul who struggled with opening up. She helped me to open up… She had just gotten out of a messy divorce and wanted a fresh start. I just wanted someone who loved me besides family. That night, we fell in love and been married for the past ten years… Or at least it feels like that… I hope she is still alive and still thinking of me… I hope my daughter is… She still remembers and loves me.”

  “What’s her name?”

  “Jessie… She’ll be a good woman one day. Knowing her, she’s probably being a hell-raiser like I was, but has a heart of gold. Probably making a mess with Anna right now. She’ll probably want to be an explorer like I wanted to be… I don’t want her to. I just want her to be safe and have a wonderful future. One I wish I could provide. I don't know.”

  “Hmm?”

  “What?”

  “This war has changed you, hasn’t it?”

  “Yeah,” he sighed sadly. “Yeah it has… How bout you, Gar?”

  “I just wanted to see the universe like I said back in the first red storm… But now… I yearn for my love as well. I have no pictures of her… Only moments of intimacy I hold dear in heart,” I said tapping my stomach. “Her name is Cora… Cora Grou’Lghout of Sangilo. Major of the Warriors of Virtue… I was her immediate second in command… I liked her from the start. Her the same for me… I miss her. I yearn for her warmth again.”

  “She was on your flagship when my ship engaged yours before we crashed?”

  “No… I was reassigned there as a way to hide our relationship… As an officer, I’m not allowed to express feelings or have relationships that will jeopardize command. It is one of the many tenets I must follow… But… I just want her.”

  “I think your tenets are flawed,” he chuckled.

  I shoved him playfully almost knocking him off. I keep forgetting that humans are not as strong as our kind and they are flimsy. He got me back with a swift kick to my legs. Luckily, my armor absorbed the blow and he cursed to himself thinking he broke his toes. We both laughed at this heartily.

  That night, I dreamt of my first night with Cora. Oh, how I miss her warm embrace and exuberance. I wanted the dream to last forever. Just us. Nothing else. I saw her beautiful, green face look back at mine as she tenderly traced her fingers on my birthmark. I was about to say something, but James' night terrors woke me up.

  I calmed him down and went back to sleep.

  Dear Golo? Will we ever make off this cursed planet? Or do you want us to die? My faith withers away and I feel no love from you.

  I need to stop writing. 4 more hours until sunrise.