Guard Captain Rafini blinks slowly at Diegi’s unexpected request. Though, from Diegi’s perspective it looks like she’s winking, since one of her long silver bangs covers her left eye— that’s already covered by a bandage to boot.
Pretty sure that isn’t what football players mean when they say double coverage. And, you know, I never considered it before, but how do all these fantasy game characters with outlandish hairstyles actually… y’know… see through all that hair? Wouldn’t it be a huge hindrance in battle ‘n stuff?
Paying no mind to Diegi’s unspoken contemplations, Rafini goes on to address him directly.
“A moment of my time…? During a situation like this? For what reason are you requesting one? I’ll have you know that I will be very busy for the next day or so, officially marking this monster invasion incident as resolved and all. Unlike those indolent Adventurer higher-ranks such as Golden and Fardall, we Guard Captains take our responsibilities seriously.”
Diegi scratches the back of his neck and pauses for a second.
“Hm… well, how do I say this…”
…in the best way possible?
He sweeps his head back and forth, making a show of checking that most of the Infirmary’s combatants were still asleep. Following that, he leans forward and covers his mouth with his hands. Rafini, Linderton, and the healer woman who’s still there for some reason all lean in closer with anticipation. After a tension-filled moment— Diegi does not speak, and instead tiptoes to move closer to Rafini’s cot. Then, he gestures for Linderton and the healer woman to get even closer so as to reduce the probability of someone overhearing him. They do, both wearing anxious expressions on their faces. Next, Diegi notices a spot of dust on the side of Rafini’s cot and that just kind of really bothers him, so he lifts his hand so as to swipe the dust away, but—
“ENOUGH! Out with it!”
“Okay, okay! Jeez, it’s called setting the mood!”
—but before he can do anything else, Rafini loses her patience. Her eyes briefly glow a faint silver color as she demands him to speak. Which Diegi does, because he quite likes the idea of coming out of this conversation without being beamed by a ray of moonlight.
Sheesh, don’t these guys know dramatic tension is the best way to hype up sensitive info? It’s like they’ve never watched a TV show in their lives…
“Well, the thing is… ah man, I really hate to be the bearer of bad news for y’all. But, this whole monster invasion, you mentioned wanting to mark it as resolved. Sorry to say, but I don’t think it’s over just yet.”
…
“—!!!”
He was right to keep this information hidden. Judging from Linderton’s reaction alone— his mouth being held so wide open it looks like he’s trying to catch flies— a second “Incident” would likely have occurred if the greater Infirmary had heard Diegi’s quiet declaration. In fact—
“Let us discuss this in a separate chamber.”
Rafini, the first to recover from her shock, narrows her eyes and responds thus.
#
An unusually serious Diegi, a very exhausted Linderton, the rather confused healer woman (who tagged along at Diegi’s request), and a contemplative Rafini are all now sequestered in a dusty side room of the Adventurers’ Infirmary. It’s not quite as nice as the main room they’d been in before, but they’ll simply have to deal with it.
Rafini, as usual, takes charge of the conversation.
“Now, if you will, elaborate. What exactly do you mean, the monster invasion is not yet finished? Multiple eyewitness accounts—”
“Yeah, yeah, I heard you all the first time. That supermassive army of gooey black monsters, they all just disappeared, right? Hearing that threw me for a loop at first, but I’ve figured it all out now, and here’s the thing. They’re gonna come back, and soon. In fact, I can even give a rough estimate of when— about two hours from now.”
The others quirk their eyebrows at that, but continue listening to Diegi’s spiel.
“Truth is, those oozy things have already shown up once before. I saw ‘em on my way to visit Paxdom! They roved around for a bit, and then disappeared. Guess what happened next? I’m not too good with time, but… fourish or fiveish hours later, those monsters reappeared at Paxdom’s gates! If it happened once, it’ll happen again, right?”
Hey, that sounded pretty convincing. Should do the trick for now, at least. No way can I tell them that the real reason Terries keep showing up is ‘cause of all my Tutorial business. I happen to enjoy being alive…
Diegi had been speaking while cupping his chin, hiding his expression by looking downwards, and chewing on an empty pipe he’d swiped from who-knows-where; doing his best to look dignified and reliable.
I wonder why detectives always use pipes in movies and stuff. I’m not even smoking, but just having this thing in my mouth is distracting as hell.
Key words: doing his best. He doesn’t have much experience embodying the previously mentioned traits, so it just looks like he’s doing a bad Sherlock Holmes impression. Still— it’s the thought that counts, is it not?
Rafini, glaring down at Diegi from her cot, speaks up.
“Not only do you claim the monsters will return, you claim to know when…? Ridiculous. If this reappearance cycle you suggested is indeed a pattern, then we guards of Paxdom would have spotted these strange beasts long ago. A Status Project spell cast on the monsters by another guard, Geo, revealed no skill or spell that would result in them vanishing, which further disproves this pattern theory.”
But then again, maybe the thought doesn’t count for very much at all. Rafini certainly believes so. With a look that somehow manages to combine annoyance and pity adorning her face, she continues:
“Furthermore, even if they did possess such a skill, it is quite improbable that they will reappear at this point— all documented vanishing monsters use such abilities only to counterattack immediately or flee permanently. Listen well, boy. There is no conceivable manner that you, a mere civilian, would know anything of any value about an attack of such a large scale.”
The force of her words really is amazing. Diegi can almost feel himself getting smaller and smaller the longer she goes on.
“In fact, you should not even be here in the room with us at the moment. I see that you’ve been unsettled by the alarm— that is only to be expected— but please, do not waste the guards’ time with your stress-induced drivel. It cannot afford to be spent on the likes of yourself.”
Silence. And then, Diegi takes the pipe out of his mouth, clears his throat, and tilts his head upwards to reveal his oh-so-dignified expression— his face all scrunched up, with big fat tears running down his cheeks.
“Okay, what the fuck?? Mixing logic and insults in one smooth tirade… Wow, you really have something against me, huh!? Though, I don’t remember ever doing anything to deserve such cold treatment from you!! Waaah…!!”
Linderton briefly glances at the destroyed ceiling of the Infirmary’s main room, but wisely decides to stay quiet. Diegi takes a moment to wipe his eyes and reset his expression, then continues:
“But, despite all that— if you don’t believe my intuition, why not believe in the conclusion of your own top guard?”
“Oh?”
Rafini trains her silver eyes on Linderton, who frantically shakes his head. No way does he, who would also quite like to survive this conversation with all his extremities intact, want to come into the middle of this heated discussion. Rafini, satisfied, looks back at Diegi.
“I cannot imagine just which of my guards you are referring to—”
And that’s when Diegi stretches out his arm and points his pipe directly at Rafini with a sly grin.
“Michael. I mean Michael.”
Her eyes widen, and she swivels her head to look back at the Infirmary’s main room. Only then does she notice it.
“Ah. He isn’t here. Linderton… where is Michael? Would he not have been taken to the same Infirmary as us?”
“Same blasted question I’ve been asking! Where’s my best buddy!? You, healer woman, tell us!”
Linderton, having been reminded of his original question, violently jerks his head and starts to work himself up into a panic again— but is quickly cut off by Diegi’s response.
“I know what happened to him. He woke up before any of you, and as soon as he did he grabbed his sword and cut those straps that were supposed to bind him to his cot. Then, he quickly left the Infirmary while muttering about monsters and latent danger. Isn’t that right, Euniline?”
Linderton interjects, looking around.
“What? Who’s Euniline?”
The older healer woman blinks in shock, then speaks up.
“Wha— me!? Your healer! Don’t tell me… have you honestly been calling me ‘healer woman’ this whole time not out of spite but because you just didn’t know my name!?”
Support creative writers by reading their stories on Royal Road, not stolen versions.
Linderton very conspicuously ignores that last sentence and responds:
“Okay, fine, that’s your name, but how’d the kid know that? I’m not stupid, and I’m pretty sure you never said your name out loud! I’d remember if you did!”
Euniline brushes her greenish hair to the side to see more clearly, and slides her eyes towards Linderton in disbelief. Then, with a small gesture, she points towards the chest area of her robe, where there's a small badge attached.
Oh, well, just saying it’s a badge doesn’t explain very much. It would probably be more useful to say that it’s one of the basic facets of healers dealing with patients: a name badge!
*thud*
Linderton, after having noticed this, promptly shuts his mouth and dies from embarrassment.
For some reason, I’m feeling a huge rush of empathy for this Linderton guy… as well as a bit of deja vu… wait, the hell!? Why’d we go off on such a stupid tangent?
Diegi clears his throat again.
“AHEM… so, as I was saying. Euniline, one of the guards left this Infirmary recently, right? This guy with orange hair, a toned body, a sword, and, like— (shit, what else describes him? ah, got it)— less words per minute than a caveman! Like seriously, if he used any less words he’d just be grunting.”
“Um… well, yes. Though, how in the world did you know that?”
Diegi, in true Diegi fashion, ignores Euniline’s question and turns back to Rafini with a sneer and a cocky chuckle.
“There ya have it! Why do you think he left in such a rush, without even paying? An honorable guard like him? Surely you don’t train your subordinates to be broke cowards, right?”
Linderton, having recovered from his collapse, once again glances away and whistles an inconspicuous tune as Diegi continues speaking.
“I’ll tell you why. It’s ‘cause he knew something’s up! I dunno how he sensed it… normally only a hardcore MYTH vet like me would be able to figure this out, but hm… oh yeah. Anyways, this totally proves my point! So whaddaya think of that, guard captain? Now you’ve gotta help with my plan!”
Rafini opens her mouth, closes it, and opens it again. Then, with a difficult expression to decipher:
“...it’s not quite as sound of a proof as you make it out to be… and yet. Michael… sometimes, I wonder who’s really more dedicated to our duty, despite me being a captain and him not. On top of that, his instincts are incredibly keen. If I combine your circumstantial evidence with the fact that Michael surely would not refuse treatment without good reason, it is evident that something is odd.”
“Boo-yah! Told ya, told ya!”
Pumping his fist and whooping, Diegi rises from his sitting position to his feet in preparation for a victory dance of epic proportions. But just before he can launch into it, Rafini finishes her thought.
“But, let us assume that all you have said is true. What exactly are you asking of me?”
“...eh?”
The wind is abruptly taken out of Diegi’s sails, and his brain sort of shuts down with his fist still extended in a celebratory position.
Rafini sighs.
“Please do not tell me… that you requested aid from me without even knowing what kind of aid you wanted.”
Oh, fuck. I got ahead of myself, didn’t I~ wait a second. What Rafini just said… where have I heard that before…?
Diegi clears his thoughts with a quick shake of his head, and, after so much necessary negotiation— no, let’s be honest. After so much boring mumbo jumbo, at least from Diegi’s perspective, he states his goal in coming to the Infirmary.
“Since I’m planning to go deal with the monster problem myself, what I need is two things. First, I’d like a strong guard to accompany me. Someone who can, y’know, fight monsters well. Second, I’d like temporary free access to this Infirmary’s potions.”
Before he’s even finished speaking, Rafini’s expression begins to grow darker. But before she can get a word in edgewise—
Ah ah ah… Way ahead of you, honey.
Diegi lifts his free hand, holding up his pointer finger.
If it’s a petty argument, nobody’s better equipped to participate than MYTH’s most infamous troll. And guess what? That’s me.
“You’re probably about to drop some weird legalistic jargon about how everything I’m requesting is a total breach of protocol and how you don’t actually have any control over this Adventurers’ Infirmary or whatever. But, let’s get real. All the adventurers and guards are totally smoked. Some can move, next to none can actually fight. That includes you, by the way. No way you’re mobilizing a force of any decent size again.”
Diegi gestures to the horde of worn-out combatants resting in the main room of the infirmary as he speaks, unable to stop himself from grinning condescendingly all the while. If he was a giggling gremlin before, his expression resembles that of a trickster demon now— and he still isn’t done.
“In comparison, sending me would be super easy. Think about it: all I need is one unofficially sent bodyguard— who’s free to run away at any time if the going gets too tough— and a few little potions. And if I die, those same protocols mean it’ll be no skin off the guards’ backs. As for the potions, do you really think the Adventurers here are gonna refuse if someone as high profile as you asks them to do such a small favor?”
Diegi finishes by clapping his hands together and giving (what he thinks is) a devilish wink.
“If I’m wrong about the monsters and you send me, nothing’s lost and I’ll return all the potions. If I’m right and you don’t… we might as well kiss the city of Paxdom goodbye, eh?”
Well, I guess the monsters are actually after me, not the city. But if they keep coming back and multiplying, they’ll eventually take over the entire Tutorial dome anyways, so I’m technically not lying for once! Yay! Now, just gotta wait for her approval, and I'll be outta here--- gotta keep going, can't stop can't stop.
Rafini, for her part, seems almost stunned by Diegi’s sudden eloquence. She’s been doing her best to hide it, but she isn’t even at half her usual capacity due to her especially debilitating injuries and mental fatigue. So, the sheer surprise of hearing such a well-prepared argument come out from such a clown’s mouth takes her aback far more than the actual daredevilish contents of the argument does. After a moment of consideration, however:
“Ah, well… I… suppose you are correct. Oh. Well then…”
“Hold on just a second, Captain.”
“Hmm… Linderton?”
Linderton, after interrupting Rafini, shifts to the side so that he’s facing Diegi.
“Say… what’ll you do once you get what you want, kid? You’ve spoken a big game and all, but do you actually have a plan past that? Cause I remember before, on the Paxdom fields, you kinda choked… hell, I’m surprised you’re still alive. I guess the monsters all disappeared at just the right moment or something, and you managed to get treatment in time at one of the infirmaries?”
“Agh!”
Why’d you have to remind me of that? No, better question, Why do you gotta start being all reasonable and logical now? Don’t tell me, you actually take guard duty seriously? Come on, Linderton, I thought we were birds of a feather, bound by dedication to irresponsibility and general sleaziness! Hmm… how much do I tell them…?
“W– well… of course I have a plan. First, I’ve gotta head back to the site of the battle and check out the area. That also happens to be…”
“Sorry mate, this ‘plan’ sounds like total rubbish to me so far.”
“...happens to be where Michael probably is.”
“You know what kid, I like the cut of your jib. In fact, I’ll be the guard that accompanies you. Captain, how about we leave now?”
Rafini laughs softly and shakes her head.
“Sorry, but no. If we are to seriously consider this slapstick ‘plan,’ we will have to at the very least iron out the rough details first. Apologies, but I’m sure you understand that.”
Hey, how come Rafini’s so much nicer when she’s talking to Linderton? I wouldn’t mind a little respect too, guys! And— hold on. That last part. Does she mean—
Rafini smiles and turns to Euniline.
“I apologize to impose to this extent, but could you please notify whichever healer is in charge of this infirmary to bring me my supplies? It appears as if I will be confined to my cot in this side room for a while, and I would hate to be separated from them for so long. After all…”
Diegi stumbles backwards, frantically shaking his head and shuddering from head to toe.
“No no no. We’re done here! We went through all that boring negotiation shit and I won— I mean… we came to a very logical and optimal solution! So you can’t— you can’t—!”
Ah, if only his wishes and dreams could change reality. Not even all his time in school could prepare him for the absolute monotony that awaits. Rafini mercilessly finishes her sentence:
“...after all, it appears as if we still have quite a bit to discuss.”
Diegi would bash his head against a wall, if only the act wasn’t very likely enough to kill his puny avatar whenever he tried it. Would hitting a wall count as his own attack or not…? Regardless, as it stands, all he can do is collapse to the ground and wail.
“NOOOO…!!! I'm serious, I really gotta leave now Now NOW! Why, why, why…?”
##
“Thanks for all the free stuff! Now, I’m off to save your city for you!”
Diegi waves and laughs as he leaves the Adventurers’ Infirmary with those not-so-kind parting words. He’s carrying a bulging pack that certainly couldn’t be full of just potions. Funny how small requests turn into huge demands when you give a greedy guy the slightest bit of authority.
“You don’t hafta go and say all that. Now, let’s hurry and pick up Michael! I’m worried about ‘im!”
Next to Diegi, also walking away from the infirmary, is Linderton and his golden spear. He still isn’t looking entirely steady on his feet, but he insists that he can fight. That sort of automatically put him in a better shape than 99% of the available combatants, so Rafini caved and allowed him to go.
And so proceeds the wonder trio, ready to take on the world— oh, apologies. Yes, it’s a trio, not a duo. That’s because of the surprise third member of sorts.
“...why am I going too?”
Diegi moves closer to the third member and places a hand on her shoulder, speaking softly so only she can hear:
“Euniline, you’re like the only normal person I’ve met since I arrived in this worl— I mean, in this city. You’ve gotta come or I’m seriously gonna go insane dealing with all these overbearing personalities and basket cases.”
So says arguably the least normal person out of all of them. How selfish.
“Oh… well, I suppose since Miss Rafini convinced the lead healer to send me, it’s alright, but… for crying out loud, I’m retired with kids! You do understand that the only reason I’m helping the Adventurers out with this invasion is because of the emergency alarm, yes?”
“Listen, just keep being not-crazy, and it’ll be fine. You don’t have to stick around once any fighting starts, but please stay until then. My sanity’s riding on your normalcy, alright?”
“I’ll… try…?”
Diegi moves back into his position between the other two, and declares:
“Alright then… we’re off to the alleyway! I’ll show you why you always gotta trust the great Diegi!”
And then, with a flourish, Diegi celebratorily throws his still-empty pipe high into the air, high enough that it glimmers in the moonlight— before it unceremoniously hits the ground with a crackle and shatters.
Linderton looks over with a perplexed expression.
“Why’d you do that, mate…”
“What, throwing the pipe? I dunno, just thought it fit the mood. Was it too much?”
“Way too much.”
“Damn.”
Euniline also looks over.
“The alleyway…? Aren’t we going to the site of the battle against the monsters?”
“Sheesh, you guys gotta stop questioning me! We’re going to pick up a fourth member, alright!? It’ll only take a second, so don’t worry!”
“You really are flying by the seat of your pants, aren’t you?”
“Give me a little credit! This was part of the plan from the beginning!”
_
“Alright, wait here a sec.”
Leaving Linderton and Euniline on the proper street, Diegi walks into the Infirmary’s bordering alley until he reaches the meetup spot. By pure coincidence, it just so happens to be right outside the window next to Linderton’s cot and provide any bystanders with an excellent way to listen in on conversations inside— yeah, right. Welcome to Diegi’s ‘Reconnaissance Area,’ though it could probably be more accurately dubbed a Stalker’s Spot.
“Phew… you there, Gloria? You can come out now!”
The girl, still looking somewhat disoriented and pale, emerges from behind some corner Diegi hadn’t even considered as a hiding spot. Despite that, he hadn’t been able to tell she was there at all.
She’s really generally skilled, isn’t she?
“...sir? Oh… you’re back…”
“Hoping I forgot about you? Even I’m not that dumb. Also, you’ve really gotta stop calling me sir. I know you’re being polite and all, but I just can’t get used to it.”
Gloria, unused to people having a negative reaction to her pleasantries, stammers and plays with her brown-blonde curls.
“O- oh. Um, I’ll go with… mister, then? Does that work, mister?”
After hearing her suggestion, Diegi gives Gloria a slow, easygoing smile. And then:
“Nope, that’s even worse. Actually, just go back to sir. Welp, whatever… come on, we’ve got a city to save!”
“B– but! But… you have an adventurer and a guard with you, do you not? If the former sees my face… if they recognize me… then they’ll know that…”
“Oh? Finally ready to say it out loud?”
“Mmm…”
No, she definitely isn’t. What did I expect?
Instead of responding, Diegi digs through his newly acquired pack and fishes out a big gray robe. It’s—
“Sir… are those the robes that the healer Adventurers wear?”
“Bingo! And this one’s more than a couple sizes too big for you, so if you put it on and hide your face with the hood, no one’ll be able to tell who you are. Pretty clever, eh?”
Gloria gratefully accepts the robe and puts it on, delighted to find it works just as well as Diegi predicted.
“Ah… well, sir, that’s something at least…!”
It’s kind of funny that something I gave her is making her so happy, considering I’m also the one who’s blackmailing her. I mean— kindly requesting her aid for a difficult task. She really wants to keep her secrets secret no matter what, doesn’t she?
Diegi coughs lightly and then lets his hands settle on his hips.
“Well then. I’m sure you know the deal?”
“Ah, right… but if I help you, that will be the end of this partnership, will it not? And… you won’t share that… blghgh…”
She doesn’t finish her second sentence, but Diegi gets the gist. As for her first sentence?
I would say yes… but I said that the first time she helped me out and then it ended up being a total lie, even if I didn’t intend to, so…
“Yeah, well, I’ll do my best on that front. Now, let’s go!”
_
"Aaaand... we're back!"
Diegi exits the alley with Gloria in tow, then looks around. He spots Linderton and Euniline in no time flat, waving them over to him. Gloria fidgets nervously as the other two approach; upon seeing Euniline, her eyes widen under her hood and she even freezes for a second before anxiously looking away. Thankfully, however, the disguise does its job, and they don't seem to recognize her.
Once the other two come close enough, Diegi presents the awkwardly robed Gloria to his companions by holding up four fingers on one of his hands and proudly proclaiming:
“There! With this last addition, instead of a trio, we form a proper quarterio! Now we can really send those monsters packing, right?”
Linderton looks Gloria up and down before responding.
“Uh, kid? Did you just pick up some rando from the alley? And why is this new member of yours trying to disappear into their fabric?”
“Don’t worry about it! Just focus on the quarterio!”
And, like clockwork, here comes Euniline’s response:
“I’m fairly sure it's a quartet, not a quarterio.”
At this, Diegi stamps his foot and pouts like a child.
“Damn it! Guys, I’m trying to nail this whole fearless leader thing, so you’ve gotta stop doubting me! Just do what I say and it’ll be alright! What, am I not trustworthy or something!? Is that it!?”
“Ah... I'm sorry, son. Forget I said anything.”
But the damage has already been done.
“No, Euniline, I won’t just forget it!! In fact, get an earful of this... huh?”
But... hey, it isn't all bad, right? I mean, for the first basically since I fuckin' got to this world, I actually did somethin' useful! Even if it was something as simple as winning an argument against a woman who--- wait. Not a woman, a girl. Well, even if it was something as simple as--- not just a girl, a girl around my own age. Well, even if--- ah, not just a girl my age, a girl my age who's mentally worn the fuck out from fighting fantasy monsters and is currently literally in hospitalized bed rest. Wait, fuck, why does my only achievement sound so darn pathetic!?
"Oi, what's wrong kid? Went silent? Lost the fire in your belly?"
"Oh ho, you just had to go and remind me, huh Linderton? Now you're all gonna get it!"
Nah, I shouldn't think of it that way. I did somethin' useful, not just for myself, but to work towards a greater goal... wow, this feels better than I expected. For once, my mental skies are clear.
Diegi tilts his head back, closes his eyes, and smiles--- but only for a fraction of a second. Then, his eyes pop wide open, and he dons a ferocious leer.
Phew... now I better fog them skies back up with the nastiest insults I can think of, cause that goofy guard over there is really askin' for it! I'm a troll, after all!!
They continue to bicker as they set off into the silent streets of Paxdom, Diegi's mood having slightly recovered from its earlier horrendous state. Yes, his mood has lifted indeed--- But. But, oh but, there's a saying. A saying that might apply to situations just like these. Something along the lines of... what comes up, must come down...