He was sitting on the bed in his new room, staring at the words laid in front of him. Rereading them over and over, a million thoughts racing through his head, he tried deciphering who they could belong to.

  After he and Maggie had arrived in this town rather abruptly, she had just as quickly dragged him away from the crowd to her house, throwing him into this room and telling him to get comfortable while fucking off outside. Despite his lack of need for rest, he refrained from following her to demand answers, his attention caught by a letter resting on the bed. Upon realizing it was written in Latin, he seized it and settled in, beginning to read:

  IESSIó MI CáRó

  ETSI MVLTA SVNT QVAE VIS PERCONTáRI IN POSTERVM EA DIFFER NAM NEGóTIA IN PRIMIS ALIA TIBI Cv?RANDA SVNT PROFICISCERE AD TABERNAM AMICA TVA IAM EAM SCIT QVá RéS TVáS EX INCENDIó SALVáS INVENIéS NóN Mé FVGIT QVID DéLICIIS TVIS ACCIDERIT Té EXCRVCIáRE SED Né CRVCIá Té NAMQVE VALéNS EST ET ERIT DVM Cv?RAT QVAE EI ASSIGNáTA NVNC IAM DEHINC ERIT HAEC DOMVS TIBI NOVA ITAQVE IN Eá VIGéBIS CIBóS Té QVAMDIv? EGéS Nv?TRITv?RóS RELIQVI MINIMé MIRVM EST Té HABéRE EAM PRó INIv?CVNDA COMITE ATTAMEN SVMMé CONTENDó á Té VT EAM ADIVVéS ADHv?C Sv?MIT IPSAM EXSEQVI INCEPTA EI PERMISSA QVIRE SED IN ERROREM RAPTA PRAETEREá FAC CóGITéS QVID VITA HAEC NOVA SIGNIFICET NVNQVAM POSTHáC REDEVNDVM EST TIBI APVD ILLóS TAETRóS DéSóLáTó PVERó MVLTA SVNT QVAE ETIAM NESCIS Dé HóC MUNDó SVBITó QVó IMPáCTVS SED ADDVCTVS VT MAGNVM PRóPOSITVM EXPLEáS ET CVM SOCIIS ILLIS á LATERE TVó ITER TVVM FORTv?NáTISSIMVM ERIT HANC EPISTOLAM Té MONENDó CONCLv?Dó VT HóC TEMPORE AQUáS OMNINó DéVITéS

  Cv?Rá VT VALEáS IESSI MI CARE

  MY DEAR JESSIE

  THOUGH THERE IS MUCH YOU WISH TO ASK, LEAVE THOSE QUESTIONS FOR LATER, FOR THERE ARE OTHER THINGS YOU MUST TEND TO FIRST. HEAD TO THE STORE THAT YOUR FRIEND ALREADY KNOWS; THERE YOU SHALL FIND YOUR THINGS SAVED FROM THE FIRE. IT HAS NOT ESCAPED MY ATTENTION THAT THE MATTER OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOUR BELOVED PET TORMENTS YOU, BUT WORRY NOT, FOR HE IS WELL AND SHALL BE SO WHILE HE TENDS TO THE THINGS THAT WERE ASSIGNED TO HIM. NOW HENCEFORTH THIS SHALL BE YOUR NEW HOME, AND SO YOU SHALL PROSPER IN IT. I HAVE LEFT YOU FOOD THAT SHALL NOURISH YOU FOR AS LONG AS YOU NEED IT TO. IT IS NOT AT ALL SURPRISING THAT YOU CONSIDER HER AN UNPLEASANT COMPANION, BUT I URGE YOU TO ASSIST HER NEVERTHELESS. SHE STILL ASSUMES THAT SHE ALONE CAN CARRY OUT THE TASK ENTRUSTED TO HER, BUT SHE HAS BEEN MISLED. MOREOVER, CONSIDER WHAT THIS NEW LIFE MEANS; NEVER AGAIN SHALL YOU RETURN TO THOSE YOU LOATHE, BEING A LONELY BOY. THERE IS MUCH YOU DO NOT YET KNOW ABOUT THIS WORLD YOU WERE SUDDENLY THRUST INTO, BUT YOU WERE BROUGHT INTO IT TO FULFILL A GREAT PURPOSE, AND WITH THOSE COMRADES BY YOUR SIDE YOUR JOURNEY SHALL BE MOST FORTUNATE. I CONCLUDE THIS LETTER BY ADVISING YOU TO STRONGLY AVOID BODIES OF WATER ENTIRELY FOR THE TIME BEING.

  TAKE CARE, MY DEAR JESSIE

  While he could not grasp all that the letter detailed even after multiple rereads, it nonetheless clarified much to him. When the voice had told him his dog was “gone from this world”, it had been literal rather than euphemistic; Valentinus was fine, and supposedly on a mission of his own. So when he had run inside, that was why… Well, at any rate, he trusted that dog to see to it that he would succeed in whatever it was he was tasked with. Jessie only hoped he would see him again.

  He still wrinkled his nose every time his eyes scanned over the bits referring to Maggie as his “friend” and urging him to assist her — and calling her an “unpleasant companion” was the mother of all understatements . Clearly, whoever wrote this was not aware of all the hell she had just put him through over the last hour that felt more like a week. They certainly knew much about him nonetheless.

  And so, he could not help but think that comparing her to them was a simple ploy to manipulate him into considering this new living situation somehow favorable. What was worse is how he could not find it in himself to disagree with the comparison. They were that godawful, that despite the cunt causing his death twice so far, that still seemed potentially more thrilling a life than the absolute mental anguish he had to endure for the last 21 years. At least here he had cool powers and all…… Was he seriously trying to sell himself this?

  He sighed. Regardless, even if he wanted to crawl back to the hellhole he had been cursed to be born in, he no longer had that option anyhow. It was only a matter of time before the authorities contacted them about either their “dead boy” or “crazed murderous arsonist”. Not even staying in this town would be safe in the long run. Being a “fugitive” truly was his only path forward.

  He had not given up yet, however. Assist her, his ass! He was not sharing a home with her or getting roped up in her mess. And this bullshit about “companions”, the fuck did that mean? More fuckheads like her following him around was the last thing he needed. Fuck that, and to Hell with this “great purpose” of his. He was going to recover his stuff first and plan his departure afterwards; somewhere, anywhere, far far away from all of this. Barely a year of living by himself and he was already going back to square one. Fantastic.

  The one thing that puzzled him the most about the letter, however, had to be that conclusion. What an odd thing to end it with, he thought.

  Getting up, he left the room, but before heading outside, he made a quick detour to her kitchen and checked the fridge. Sure enough, it was packed with food, like the letter stated. He made a mental note to return hither and take all of it with him for his leaving; this many provisions should last him a good while.

  Outside stood Maggie, leaning against the outer wall of the house, taking a drag off of a cigarette. She was staring off into the distance, as if zoned out, while the man next to her kept rambling on, with a weird pipe in hand; said man was the old homeless-looking eyepatch-wearer who announced Jessie and Maggie's arrival not even an hour ago. Even from a distance, he reeked of smoke and beer, as well as… seawater. Well, the eyepatch did make him resemble a pirate, he supposed. The man soon noticed Jessie standing there and went silent, as Maggie seemed to not even realize it. Jessie took the opportunity to approach them.

  “Hey.”

  She did not acknowledge him whatsoever, still staring off into the distance. Before Jessie could try getting her attention once more, the man chuckled and spoke with a voice so rasping it made Maggie’s sound like honey.

  “Bonnie socks yee hev thor, lad, like.”

  Jessie was puzzled for a moment, until he gazed down at his feet and groaned. With all that had happened since his and Maggie's first encounter, it had completely slipped his mind that he was still wearing his Hello Kitty socks. The man drew heavily on his pipe — which Jessie could now see looked as if it was fashioned from a seahorse’s body — and then blew all of the smoke onto Jessie’s face. He sputtered, batting at the air to clear the offensive cloud, and gave him a murderous stare, directing that same stare at the bitch.

  “Maggie!”

  She still did not acknowledge him, taking another long drag off of her cigarette. But then she turned her head and laid her eye on him. And then blew all of the smoke onto his face. He coughed and sputtered again.

  “Ph?! Taetrum!”

  She bent down to get her face level with his, and spoke in a tone that was both stern and bored. The smoking made her voice sound harsher.

  “You are to address me as “You”, git. We ain’t mates.”

  She put out her cigarette butt on his forehead, pressing it to his skin like she wanted to burn a hole right through him. He yelled out a string of curses and stumbled back, immediately putting his hand over the burnt spot, but it had already healed, as his acne prickled for the umpteenth time today. He heard her tsk and mumble something along the lines of “ what a stupid wish she had made to that elephant ”. The look he gave her was beyond murderous now.

  “As if I’d want to be buddies with you, cunt!”

  She scoffed with that same bored expression and rolled her eye.

  “Whatever, arsehole. The fuck do you want? I thought I told you to go to sleep and leave me alone.”

  It was all he could do to rein in all the insults he had stored for her. Focus on the task at hand , he reminded himself. The sooner he retrieved his belongings, the faster he could run away from her. So he took a deep breath and shoved the letter onto her hands, watching as she furrowed her brow at it.

  “Koji je ovo kurac? Ne znam ja ovo sranje pro?itati… Is this Latin? I can't read this shite, Nerd. What does this say? And make it short, arsehole.”

  She couldn't understand Latin? That was odd… Wait, why was that odd? Just then when she had called for Hermes, she had asked him to tell the god her request because of the language barrier.

  His head began to throb and he had to shut his eyes and rub his left temple to soothe it. For but a second, he saw a woman behind his eyelids. At least, it looked like one. Though he screwed his eyes shut harder to get that image to reappear, it was gone for good.

  “Yee aareet, lad?”

  The man's words brought him back to reality, and that was when his heavy Geordie accent registered in Jessie's mind, at last. He would have thought Maggie had dragged him all the way to England, had the voice not reassured him just then that he was still in the US. Though he had a feeling he was no longer in New York…

  Nevermind that. He gazed back at Maggie, whose face of slight annoyance had morphed into a full-blown contemptuous glare; a warning to not leave her waiting a second longer. But he once again held her glare defiant.

  “It says I have to head to a store so I can get my stuff that was saved from the house blowing up. And you know which store that is.”

  Her glare changed into a frown, and that frown changed into a grin; a mischievous one. She turned to the man.

  “Aa’l be back later, Davy. Aa’l tyek the doylem tae the furry wazzocks, like.”

  “Aareet, lassie. Gan show him around toon.”

  When the man smiled, Jessie noticed his teeth appeared to be covered in seaweed. His face twisted into a grimace, but before he could make any rude remarks about the man’s terrible dental hygiene, Maggie was dragging him away by his shirt — he was being dragged around a lot the last couple of hours.

  So around the town they went. Wherever they strolled past, everyone looked at them — or rather, Maggie — either warily or trustingly, with no in-between. He tried not to stare too much, but it was clear at first sight that many of those they walked by were… different .

  Some had greenish-white skin, webbed hands and feet, and seal-like faces; others not only had webbed extremities, but also scaly skin; while others still had dolphin rostra; some frog eyes; and some snake tongues. There were those with canine snouts and droopy ears; goat horns and hair; donkey hooves and tails; cat whiskers. Though not all were zoic; he also saw pointy ears; and people nearly 3 meters tall (over 9 feet). He was starting to catch on to what was meant by this town being “ where two worlds meet ”.

  At one point, they wandered close to the woods, when at once a cacophony of animal noises resounded: meowing, hissing, barking, oinking, cawing, bleating.

  “Num quid illīc nam ēvenit?”

  A sudden hiss to his left made him turn to see Maggie shaking and muttering to herself with a crazed look in her eye.

  “O prokleti Luciferu, ne koze... sve osim koza... u pi?ku materinu, da je barem Ogi tu da ih spali…”

  What was wrong with her? His eyes were next drawn to her tattoo, which glowed a darker red like previously. Up close like this, he was able to properly admire it for the first time. It depicted the dragon crawling down her entire arm, its scales covered in spikes from head to tail; it had two small horns protruding from the top of its head and eyes as red as the rest of it, with flames burning behind its pupils. In fact, its whole body spewed flames here and there, and its breath came out as fire. It was indeed the same dragon from his dream, presumably hers…

  She suddenly seized his arm and quickened her pace, making him stumble along as they went. She was squeezing his arm to the point of cutting off the circulation to it.

  “FUCKING HELL! LET ME GO, YOU FUCKING BITCH!”

  “Okay.”

  She did let him go. And he promptly smashed right into someone and landed on his ass for the however manyth time today, followed by the din of bags crashing to the ground.

  “I'm so sorry! Oh lawd, are you alright?!”

  Why was she apologizing for i-? Wait, where had he heard that voice before?…

  He looked up at whom he had just crashed into: the bespectacled bushy-haired black girl standing over him with eyes full of worry and a hand outstretched.

  “Esmie?”

  Her worry became bewilderment.

  Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

  “Have we met?”

  He retrieved his glasses and put them on, jumping to his feet in a flash.

  “It’s me, Jessie! You know, “Doodle Boy” Jessie.”

  It took but a millisecond for it to dawn on her, when her eyes widened. And the next instant, she was enveloping him in a tight embrace that left him a complexion crimsoner than his hair. His body froze momentarily before he slowly put his hands on the middle of her back. He had last had this much physical contact with a girl over two years ago, so he had forgotten how to even hug one properly. He was thankful his body knew to restrain itself, despite her chest being pressed against his.

  At least it really was her. Esmeralda. They had first met on a Discord server earlier this year, and though neither knew what the other looked like, he still recognized her voice thanks to the audios they exchanged. And while her reason for not having shown herself was likely a simple want to keep her personal identity separate from her online one, his was the fear that, like everyone else, she too would find him not only hideous but actively repulsive. Well, if this hug that was lasting more than a few seconds was any indication, she did not seem to mind his freakish appearance whatsoever.

  Eventually, she pulled away with a big smile on her face.

  “Jessie! Oh my gawd, I was not expecting to run into you at all here! I was so sure you weren't even from this side of the country! Did you move in or something?”

  “Uhm, yeah, I got here just today.”

  Not a single lie there.

  “Good lawd, that accent! Yeah, definitely not from here.”

  She laughed, and for the first time ever since leaving his home state, he did not feel mocked by having his Philliness pointed out to him.

  “Also, I expected you to be much shorter, given your tendency to call yourself a ‘hobbit’.”

  Ok, she had the gall to talk about his height when she herself was shorter than him. By only a few inches, sure, but it still counted!

  “Well, you know… Oh, shit, sorry, your bags!”

  He crouched down with her and they gathered her stuff strewn about the sidewalk.

  “Thank you. Oh, actually, I'm having a party tonight at my place. Feel free to come by!”

  Oh, right, it was Halloween. Another one for the pile of “things that completely slipped his mind amidst all the shit”. To be honest, it would have gone unnoticed by him regardless, given he had never once celebrated the date — or rather, was never allowed to — so it mattered little to him nowadays.

  “Oh, ok. Yeah, for sure, I-”

  He was yanked by the shirt. Again .

  “C'mon, Nerd, enough chit-chatting.”

  Esmeralda giggled at seeing him be dragged into the store like a fussy child.

  “Well, I'll give you my address later, then. Cya tonight! Love the socks, by the way!”

  He saw her get in her car and drive off, and the last thing on his mind before the automatic doors closed was what the hell that lingering smell of fish on her was…

  “Here we are, Nerd.”

  Facing him was a typical convenience store; decidedly dirtier, a musky scent hanging in the air. This town and its people had all sorts of bizarre smells, it seemed. A CD rack to his left caught his eye, a rare sight in the modern world of music streaming services. A few vintage ones he recognized from his dad's collection, and some brought him back to his teenage years. Oh, a new album by Flaccid Penis Orgy! Hadn't they disbanded years ago?

  A shove from Maggie almost made him fall facefirst onto the dusty floor.

  “C'mon, Nerd, you can check out the Limp Dicks later.”

  She pushed him to the grimy checkout counter and incessantly dinged the bell. Barely had his ears recovered from the discordant assault when they were pierced yet again by a terrible squeal from behind the counter, followed by squeaky mutterings.

  “Ne opet ta ?enska i pas…”

  “We have not any more cheese!” “Come back tomorrow!”

  “It's me, vi krznati kreteni.”

  “Vrati se sutra!” “Odjebi!”

  DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING

  “Prestani!”

  What jumped up onto the counter then startled the hell out of Jessie. Not one, but two chubby creatures, about 30-40 cm (about 12 to 15 inches) tall; one covered in brownish fur and the other mottled, resembling hamsters, with the brownish one having long pointy ears and the mottled one big round ears; both were dressed in dirty rags and gave off a musky scent.

  “Bajka?i. Perica and Sr?an, but I call them Pi?ka and Sranje.”

  Whatever she had just called them was not at all pleasant, for they growled and went off on her, causing a 2v1 argument to break out.

  “Jebi se, kurvo!” “Dabog gorjela u paklu!”

  “Ma jebem ti mater kurvinsku, jebeni kurvin sine.”

  “Jedi govna i krepaj, pizdo!” “Jebem ti prokleti le? tako?er!”

  “Jedite govna vi nekrofilski seronje."

  Now, Jessie was not one to dislike any language, really, but given the bitch standing next to him's inclination to use it every other sentence, coupled with their ongoing headache-inducing argument, if he never heard Croatian again in his life, it would be too soon. He gritted his teeth when they showed no signs of stopping.

  “SHUT THE FUCK UP, ALL OF YOU!”

  She gazed at him bored as usual, while the furry clerks scrutinized him from head to toe, giggling at his socks. They sniffed him and muttered to each other.

  “Sumpor…”

  He groaned.

  “English, please.”

  Their ears perked up.

  “Convincing accent.” “It almost fooled us that you were from here.”

  What? Just five minutes earlier he had been outed as a newcomer to these parts, so he was not sure what they were on about.

  “What seek you, o?alinko?”

  She snickered.

  “They called you ‘four-eyes’.”

  Wow, now there was one he hadn't heard in a long while. He was not going to let their jabs rile him up this time, though. He dug into his pocket and showed them the letter.

  “This says that my stuff is here. I'd like to have it back, please.”

  “It is you, then.” “We have fun with your things, since that old madame brought them to here an hour ago.”

  An old lady, huh…

  “We are in middle of game.”

  He peeked behind the counter, where he saw his chessboard on the floor with a paused game on it.

  “These two are our audience.”

  They pulled out his plushies: the armadillo, Tatu, and the parakeet, Periquito.

  “That's nice. Well, thanks for holding onto them, but I'll be taking those back now.”

  As Jessie reached for them, the furballs pulled them away. His eyes narrowed before he lunged for them, but the furry bastards were quicker, jumping onto his head. Groaning, he swatted at them, but smacked himself instead, as they giggled at him from the counter. He growled.

  “You motherfuckers.”

  Another snicker from Maggie earned her another death stare.

  “What? It's funny. Pathetic even.”

  He snarled, then remembered his powers. He raised both hands and focused on the plushies.

  “Acciō.”

  Upon his command, the two stuffed animals flew onto his hands.

  “A-ha!”

  The furry fucks squealed and he stuck his tongue out. His excitement was short-lived, though, as Maggie snatched both and held them high out of reach. Curse that height difference!

  “Acciō!”

  Nothing. Twice on the same day his powers blue-balled him for no discernible reason. He cursed under his breath, and jumped as high as he could to try snatching them back. Right as she decided to push her chest forward, causing him to smash facefirst into her tits. He staggered back, sure that his face then would have put a tomato to shame. She roared with laughter and threw the plushies over his head to the furry a-holes.

  “Cunt!”

  She simply shrugged.

  “You may have back your stuff.” “IF you do us big favor.”

  He groaned. Of course it wasn't going to be as easy as he had hoped . He gnashed his teeth, reining — and failing at it — in his anger.

  “What?”

  “Pest control.” “These freak little creatures came in here several times and made mess of all ours.” “To make mess is OUR job.” “You get rid of them for us and we give your things back.” “Deal?”

  He sighed. These two were going on the list of those he desperately wanted to strangle. Well, anything to get away from this place as soon as possible, he supposed.

  “Fine. But how the fuck am I supposed to find them?”

  At that, they jumped down behind the counter and rummaged for a bit before emerging back with tiny balls of blue fuzz in hand.

  “Here. Use this to identify them on sight.”

  He slowly grabbed the bits of fuzz, unsure on how these were supposed to help. He still had no idea where to even search for these fuzzy critters.

  “Now listen close.” “You bring us them alive.” “Alive. We want to make them pay.” “Pay dear.”

  “Noted…”

  “Well, off we go, Nerd.”

  He raised a brow at her.

  “We? The fuck you mean ‘we’? You gonna follow me or some shit?”

  “And miss the chance to see you make an utter arse of yourself? I'm tagging along.”

  “Fuck off!”

  He stormed outside, and of course she trailed behind lazily. He stared at his open palm, at the fuzz balls, knitting his brows, until an idea came to him. A crazy hunch . Slowly, he brought them up to his nose and sniffed them. A wet musty smell overwhelmed his nostrils and he recoiled. Nevertheless, he had the scent tracked, and it was coming from the same direction they took to get to the store.

  So retracing their steps, he followed that odor, and eventually walked by the edge of the woods once more. That was when he saw it. A silhouetted figure wandering amidst the trees, its posture crooked as it swaggered along a path followed by a herd of all sorts of animals. It looked to him like a… giant bipedal mutated rabbit , judging by the long ears, anyway. It and its herd ventured deeper into the woods and faded from view.

  He had not realized he had stopped in his tracks until Maggie snapped her fingers right in front of his eyes.

  “Earth to Nerd. Forgot you have shite to do?”

  “Huh? Oh…”

  He shook his head and resumed following the track. Finally, he found the source of it: the house two doors down on the right of Maggie's. The old man — Davy — stood still on the same spot, downing a bottle of wine. Upon seeing them, he slurred his greeting.

  “Ahooy, laassie, yeer back eearly doors!”

  “Am gannin wi’ the git for a task give to him, like. Oi, syev us the wine!”

  “Nee boother, laassie! An hooway, lad! Am hoopin it gans goood!”

  “Aw divint, like.”

  Jessie rolled his eyes at their gravelly laughter — he could barely understand what they were on about, just knew it concerned him — and hurried away from the man, as his stench was overpowering the scent he was after. It seemed to be coming specifically from inside the house, so he went up to the front door and knocked. And waited. Minutes dragged on before he knocked again. Still no response.

  “The fuck you doing?”

  She had crept up on him, wearing a frown. He frowned back.

  “I’m… waiting for them to answer the door?”

  She turned up her nose at him in a manner remarkably similar to his highschool bullies whenever he chastised them for disrupting classes, then barged into the house.

  “Hey! The fuck YOU doing?!”

  “Taking action in your stead. Kvragu, you’re on a mission, dork.”

  Oh wow, demoted from git to dork. That was a new low.

  Looking around the living room, it was a mess; the furniture all toppled over, vases broken, the walls cracked and tracked with mud, as was the floor. He called out,

  “Anyone? Hellooo?”

  A sudden insistent banging noise drew their attention to the kitchen. He entered the room, which was in a similar state of disarray, and immediately discerned the source of the noise, as he opened the cupboard under the sink. And out fell a ginger woman strapped in bubble wrap. And her cat.

  “What the fuck?!”

  She wriggled against her cushioned restraints and let out protests muffled by the tape over her mouth. He hurried to tear the wraps apart, ripped the tape off carefully and helped her to her feet. And did the same to the cat before it ran off.

  “Thank you so much! I-I don’t know what happened! I-I was working a-and these little fuzzy thingies s-sprouted from n-nowhere! And…”

  She gestured wildly to their surroundings.

  “Ma vidi ti to… clever bastards.”

  “Right, right… Well, lucky for you, I was sent here to deal with those pests, so don't you worry, miss.”

  “Oh, thank you!”

  He nodded and sniffed, ascertaining their position on the second floor. He walked upstairs and headed down the equally-messy hallway to the last door on the right. Opening it revealed a bathroom, empty at first glance and immaculate. The shower curtain was drawn, so with caution he stepped inside and slowly raised his hand, finally pulling it back. Nothing there. He narrowed his eyes before directing them to the toilet, as the lid shook slightly. Cautious still, he lifted it. Nothing.

  Sigh.

  “ēdepo-”

  A spout of water nearly hit him as he fell back, ambushed by dozens upon dozens of the pests rapidly flooding the room. Critters about 15 cm (about 6 inches) tall, light blue in color and shaped like a cat's hairball, with huge eyes and paws, who kept screeching “waka” and “pookie” in rapid succession. Even as he had his ears plugged, he attempted to close the door to prevent them from fleeing, but they had already whizzed by out into the hallway and he gave chase.

  “Mūrum!”

  A brick wall halfway to the ceiling manifested in front of the hyperactive hairballs and they crashed right into it. That was his chance .

  “Carpō!”

  He slammed his hand down and at that, a large spectral one materialized above, ready to snatch them, but they dodged in time, climbing the walls on either side and over the one he conjured. He undid it and resumed the chase. By the time he reached the stairs, the fuckers were busy ripping it apart. He growled as Maggie cheered him on from downstairs.

  “Get them, Nerd!”

  He gave her the finger and she tutted.

  “Now, now, get them quick and I'll let you touch my boobs, how about it?”

  Was she serious? Did this bitch think that he really wanted to fondle her body THAT badly? Well, she was absolutely right.

  He grinned. Just as the fuzzy bastards were about to invade the kitchen again, he shouted with the most enthusiasm he had mustered so far.

  “ILLAQUEō!”

  The floor opened beneath them like a gaping maw and he conjured a steel grate over it, trapping them in. His skin felt like it was melting off his body and a tremendous exhaustion began to creep in deep down to his bones, yet he barely registered all of this, or the continuous incessant screeching from the pests.

  “Svaka ?ast, Nerd!”

  Svaka ?ast. Good job. That one he knew.

  “See, just needed some incentive, is all.”

  She snickered but he was already floating down and rushing towards her, completely ignoring the woman he had just helped.

  “Now you hold up your end of the bargain.”

  She raised her brow and jeered.

  “Desperate, aren’t we now? Alright, git, have fun.”

  Yes! He was for sure going to regret this later, but his degeneracy spoke louder at the moment. He gave her a cocky smirk and stared at her chest, flexing his fingers before reaching forward slowly to really savor this moment. Finally, his fingertips felt that softness under them-

  “Alright, that's enough.”

  She stepped away and he was left frozen, processing what had just happened. The flames of anger burst forth and thawed him out.

  “Wait, WHAT?! Y-You, t-that w-”

  She wagged her finger to him.

  “Now, now, I said I'd let you touch them, I never said for how long it'd be.”

  “THAT'S BULLSHIT!”

  She tutted once more.

  “Should have bargained for a better deal. Better yet, should have never made a deal with me in the first place.”

  She winked. WINKED ! It made him want to rip his hair off his scalp. If looks could kill, he hoped his would incinerate her on the spot.

  “You! You!... FUCK YOU!”

  The slightest smirk peeked out from her.

  “Was that meant as an insult or a promise?”

  He was a volcano about to erupt. He was panting and twitching like a madman. He only stopped himself from exploding outright when it became clear just how much she did want him to give in to that wrath. So he let the exhaustion overwhelm him at last, seeping into his every muscle, weighing him down as he collapsed to the ground. He finally acknowledged the woman who was standing at the entryway to her kitchen still.

  “I will… find a way… to take them… with me…”

  “Oh, t-thank you. Thank you so much for your services! How much do I owe you?”

  “No need… to pay me…”

  “Y-You sure? Okay then…”

  She gazed around the living room and kitchen, letting out a defeated sigh.

  “Look at what they did… … …”

  “Don't worry, sis, I’ll take care of the mess. Mess is my middle name.”

  His head snapped up as his jaw hung open. Had he heard the bitch right? Was she being… altruistic ?! He did not even think she was CAPABLE of kindness! If he were being fair, he would admit to himself that he shouldn’t be making scathing assumptions about the cunt solely based on the way she treated him , but fairness to her had long since been thrown out the window. And if it hadn’t been before, it certainly would had after the events of just minutes ago. Plus, despite only knowing her for the better part of two hours, there was this odd feeling he had known her all his life. Needless to say, that was NOT a feeling he wanted to have.

  But sure enough, she went around the house undoing all the damage; repairing vases, lifting furniture, mending and cleaning the walls and floor, rebolting the hinges to the kitchen cupboards, reassembling the stairs. All this simply with the snap of her fingers. He had witnessed her do all sorts of crazy shit so far, yet it was this , this likely pedestrian to her yet effortless display, that got him to wonder just how powerful was she.

  What was she even? For sure not human , not after what she turned into in that dank room. Man, that felt like ages ago now. If asked, he would describe her as a demon , but maybe there was a truth to that, especially considering her apparent affinity to Hell and Lucifer and Beelzebub and whoever the fuck else… But with all the different gods she had also mentioned up to this point, she could be anything, honestly… Well, not an angel at least, no way in Hell , unless angels in reality were nothing like the Bible described them. He wasn’t even sure why the sudden curiosity about her, when hopefully he would soon no longer see her, but perhaps that was Maggie’s ultimate power: being a walking mindfuck.

  At any rate, he had a delivery to make. Thankfully, he felt reenergized enough to stand back up and went over to the makeshift critter cage to conjure a bag around them, tying it up. The woman approached him.

  “Thank you once more for everything. I realize I didn’t get to introduce myself. I’m Amelia.”

  He nodded and shook her hand.

  “Jessie. It was nice meeting you, Amelia.”

  “Nice meeting you too, Jessie.”

  With that, he hauled the bag outside and paused to catch his breath, dreading the trek back to the store. He didn’t believe he would be able to simply levitate it all the way there. Maggie came outside next, attentive to something down the street. With enough effort, he managed to lift the bag and carry it. All of two steps forward when she seized his shirt. How many times was that now?

  “VAH!”

  The weight of the bag combined with the sudden pull had him crashing to the ground as the bag crushed his chest.

  “VAE!”

  He struggled to push it away and regain his breath before staggering to his feet.

  “THE FUCK IS IT NOW?!”

  “C’mon, I want you to meet someone.”

  “FUCK! OFF ! I have shit to do!”

  She gripped his arm painfully again and had her face level with his.

  “Come. The furry cretins can come themselves collect their darlings later.”

  He managed to wrench his arm off her grip this time and cross them.

  “FINE! But make it quick!”

  She grinned that exact mischievous grin and walked on ahead with her hands in her pockets as he trailed behind, already regretting agreeing to this. The longer they walked along to wherever was their destination, the louder and closer this low rumbling in his ears seemed to grow. He turned his head all around, trying to discern where it was coming from, until he looked behind him and realized Maggie had stopped as he was way ahead.

  “What?”

  She just kept that same stupid grin on her face.

  Thump .

  Huh? He turned to the house he currently stood before, to the front door and that rumbling.

  Thump .

  “Qui-”

  CRASH!

  “WH-”

  A tsunami of butter knocked the door off its hinges and rushed out into the street with a roar. Without time to react, he was swept away as screams rang out from passerbys, quickly muffled were they by the wave of gold. Before he could drown in the most delicious way possible, the flood finally subsided and he scrambled out of the dairy deluge, luckily finding his glasses beside him, as he saw two girls emerge as well.

  “Not again! Oh, where are my glasses?!”

  “Sophie! What the actual fuck?! Oh my god, Necktie! Necktie!”

  Maggie was bent over in hysterics. Cunt .

  “O-Oh, S-Sophie, y-you never disappoint, woman!”

  “O-Oh, M-Maggie, hi! Well…”

  Sophie shrugged sheepishly, and he chose to leave them to their little moment, as he purged himself from all the viscosity. The cunt was still dying, rolling around on the ground like a cat on crack.

  Then, just like a cat, she bristled with an alarmed look in her eye reminiscent of his dreams, as her body sprung up inhumanly fast. Davy came running up then, seemingly sobered up, the same alarm on his face.

  “Lassie! Aw saw the wolf! The black ‘un!”

  “Sranje…”

  The rumbling resumed. This one out in the distance that rushed in with a thunderous stampede of animals led by a figure that passed them by in a blur, as everyone scrambled to get away in the ensuing panic so as to not be trampled.

  Whatever or whomever they were running away from soon revealed itself in the form of a cackle that chilled the air and literally froze him to the bone. Maggie turned at the maniacal sound and appeared to spot whomever it belonged to.

  “You…”

  Dabog gorjela u paklu! - Burn in Hell!

  Ma jebem ti mater kurvinsku, jebeni kurvin sine - Fuck your whore mother, fucking sons of a whore.

  Jedi govna i krepaj, pizdo! - Eat shit and die, cunt!

  Jebem ti prokleti le? tako?er! - Fuck your hellish corpse too!

  Jedite govna vi nekrofilski seronje - Eat shit you, you necrophiliac fuckheads