Right, well, that thing threw that black ball at you. Red screamed syphon, big fuckin’ light, and you cunts fuck off to fuck knows where an’ leave me in a right pile a’ shite.

  Well, the incubus loses all fuckin’ interest in us since the kid’s gone. Just starts slowly walkin’ away towards the hills. Givin’ zero shits about what’s goin’ on. Asmodeus is on his knees, blood pouring from his face. Clearly freaked out by how outmatched he is, the daft prick. Chloe’s screamin’ at me tae heal Tilda. But I cannae heal the poor girl, she’s well past dead. That rogue runs over to me, Alexander I think his name was, he’s tryin’ tae help. But he’s about as much use as a third fuckin’ nipple.

  Then the rest a the goblins from the nest start pourin’ out of the cave. I tell Chloe and Asmodeus to snap the fuck out of it, and Alexander to watch the posh bint. Chloe’s flies intae a fuckin’ rage, starts smashin’ the shit out of any goblin that even looks in her direction. But still, fightin’ through the tears, ya know. Asmodeus isnae much better. He flings his shield away and just starts fuckin’ swingin.’

  Between the three of us, we eventually manage to smash the shit out a every fucker that comes out a that fuckin’ cave, and we make our way home. Fuckin’ knackered by the way.

  By the time we make it back tae the town, Asmodeus has resumed his pious shite. Starts whinin’ on about how we should never a trusted ya, an all this other shite. I’m about tae fuckin’ slap the cunt, when Chloe asks me tae help her return Tilda’s body tae her family. Which a do, obviously, I cared about the wee lassie. And she deserved a wee bit a respect, ya know.

  Incidentally, lovely funeral. Family did the girl proud. No expense was spared. Huge fuck off tombstone. Buffet was fuckin’ fabulous.

  Anyway, Asmodeus returns the posh wife to her family while me and Chloe are sortin’ out Tilda. Next fuckin’ morning, Asmodeus is sayin’ all this shite about how I’m no entitled tae any a the reward because our party did nae officially accept the quest from the guild. Even though we did most a the fuckin’ work.

  Chloe tried tae argue on ma behalf, even that tit Alexander tried tae help us out, but Asmodeus was nae havin’ any of it. Just cause he’s a paladin, with all that godly purity shite, he thinks he has some kind a authority o’er every fucker else. Smug cunt. All this shite just cause you’re a fuckin’ goblin. I’d love tae see his face if he knew you were sat here wi’ two lizardmen and whatever the fuck that flowery bint is.

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  Anyway, a go tae slap the cunt, when some other hoity toity cunts show up, insistin’ I go wi’ ‘em tae answer a few questions. So, I think, right, ‘ere we fuckin’ go, fuckin’ interrogation about the fuckin’ goblin in ma party, fuckin’ fantastic.

  So, I politely go wi’ ‘em, cause I’m an amenable sorta bloke, ya know. End up at the house a that Katheryn lassie that we rescued. They ask me a load a stupid fuckin’ questions about you. Obviously, I did nae tell them anythin,’ I’m no grass, ya see.

  But I’m no the only one they’ve dragged in. Turns out they’ve got Asmodeus, Chloe, and even that tit Alexander, and he does nae even know ya. Asmodeus has been bangin’ on about what an evil wee demon ya are and all this shite. So, Chloe n’ I figure we should probably be honest before they send out a fuckin’ party tae lynch ya.

  Turns out this Katheryn lassie has been singing your praises. Won’t shut the fuck up about the wee goblin that saved her life. These posh twats just wanted tae know how tae find ya and reward ya. Obviously though, we’ve got no idea where the fuck ya are.

  Eventually, the daft pricks accept that and settle for givin’ ya ma a wee hand at the farm. They offer Chloe a good position in the Knights a Kataravonia, which is fair enough, she’s a good lass.

  They offer me a knighthood, but not a fuckin’ job. Apparently, I do nae have the right attitude to hold an actual position in the kingdom. Aye right, not enough “yes sir… of course sir… that two sugars sir?” for ‘em. Aye whatever, like I give a fuck. Still got the fuckin’ knighthood didn’t I. I’m a fuckin’ sir now, opens a few doors, ya know. Even that useless twat Alexander were offered a place in the knights.

  Asmodeus however, he turns it all down. His smug pious bullshit goes in tae overdrive. Starts ranting on about how he cannae be a knight of a realm that holds a goblin in high regard. Storms the fuck outtae the place, absolutely fuckin’ fumin.’ But good riddance to the cunt I say.

  So, since I donnae hold the official position of knight, I doonae have other shite tae do, so they’ve been payin me tae look intae your disappearance. I’ve been traipsin’ all o’er the fuckin place tryin’ tae find any fuckin’ hint that I can about where the fuck you cunts got to. Heard fuck all for about a month and a half.

  Eventually, couple a weeks ago I hear a few rumours from some travelling caravans. Some shite about a crippled woman with a harem a lizardmen, a cat and a goblin that have started some kinda gay family with a wee ginger lad and some creepy giant woman whose got a way wi’ fucking vegetables.

  I hear this happy bunch a cunts are headin’ in this direction. So, I thinks tae myself, aye, the lizards, and the giant veg lovin’ woman are new. But the rest, there’s only one group a cunts that I can think off that even remotely matches that fuckin’ description. I assumed ya would be headin’ tae see ya ma, so I make ma way back here only tae find you cunts are already here havin’ a fuckin cuppa tea. I needn’t a fuckin’ bothered lookin.’ Fuck’s sake.