After all the excitement of the battle, the knights offered the body of the griffon to the farmer whose property it had destroyed. Griffons are pretty big, so quite a lot of meat could be cut and sold from it. Not really enough to make up for all of the cattle it had devoured… but better than nothing.

  The knights then hopped onto their horses and galloped back into town.

  Tadwick: “I thought you said we were going to meet them.”

  Chloe: “We are, at our next destination.”

  Dwynfel: “And where is that?”

  Chloe: “All in good time, my little friend.”

  Since Alexander had taken his horse when he left, this time the three of us were all on Chloe’s. Tadwick up front and me holding onto Chloe from behind. We weren’t in a rush, so we just lightly trotted into the town. We got off the horse next to a strange building that I have never been to before. It was a large stone building with the Kataravonia sigil above the entrance.

  Dwynfel: “Chloe… please… what is this building?”

  Chloe: “The knight’s quarters. It’s where we go to prepare for duty… and to clean up afterwards. Some of the poorer knights sleep here until they get enough coin for their own places.”

  She opened the main door and beckoned us in.

  Dwynfel: “So, why exactly have you brought us here?”

  Chloe: “Two reasons. One, to hang out with the guys. And two…

  She opened a second door which… much to my distaste… was a communal bathing area.

  Chloe: “To make sure you two filthy fucks are clean as a whistle for tomorrow.”

  Dwynfel: “Chloe… we have a bath at home… there is really no need for this.”

  I went to leave but Chloe grabbed my arm and pulled me into the changing area.

  Chloe: “Oh, don’t be such a killjoy. Besides, little man there has an appointment to get that mop on his head fixed.”

  I could feel the heat of the place as soon as we entered. How on earth is it so hot in here? It’s bloody freezing outside. Within seconds of us entering the changing room, Tadwick was stark naked… except for his wide brimmed hat that he had lifted off his back and placed rather unflatteringly on his head. It covered his eyes initially, but he titled it back so he could see. He climbed up onto one of the benches and struck his knight pose.

  Dwynfel: “What are you doing?”

  Tadwick: “Being a knight. This is where the knights live.”

  He had a ridiculously large smile on his face. Clearly enjoying the pretence. I wonder if he will become a knight when he’s older. Or whether he’ll grow out of this and decide to be a farmer or something.

  Chloe was getting undressed… clearly not bothered by the concept of communal nudity. I know that back at that oasis I did it… but that was with people that I knew wouldn’t be focussed on me. This is different… there are strangers in there. I had taken my shirt off, but kept my britches on when I decided to attempt an objection.

  Dwynfel: “Chloe… I really can’t do this… I don’t know these people.”

  Tadwick: “Where’s your willie?”

  Oh, for fuck’s sake. I think I nearly coughed up a lung that time. Fucking hell, child. Tadwick was looking very closely at Chloe’s crotch as she had just removed her underclothes.

  Chloe: “I ain’t got one, kid. I’m a girl.”

  Tadwick: “Weely? That’s a shame.”

  Chloe: “Why’s that?”

  Tadwick: “Coz you can’t do cool stuff like this!”

  Tadwick proceeded to swivel his hips about is a weird circular motion… which made his penis swing around in circles.

  Tadwick: “I call it the windmill.”

  Mother of Mercy… this child will be the death of me.

  Chloe: “Ya’ve got me there, kid. Can’t do that. But I bet you can’t do this.”

  Chloe linked her hands behind her back and started bouncing her pectoral muscles up and down. First the right, then the left, then the right again… and so on. Honestly… she’s as bad as him… although, I do have to admit… it is impressive that she can do that… how much exercise must it take to be able to do such things?

  Tadwick: “Gods, that is so cool! How do you do that? Can you teach me?”

  Chloe: “Oh, I work out a lot, kid. If you wanna do that, then you’re gonna have to work on ya pecs.”

  Tadwick: “What are pecs?”

  Chloe poked him in the nipples. Shouted “these” and ran off into the bathing area, laughing like a mad woman.

  Tadwick: “No fair! Come back!”

  And so, I find myself alone… in this changing room. Fuck’s sake. I could just leave. But I can’t leave Tadwick… and even if I did, Chloe would probably just bound out there, find me and drag me back… she probably wouldn’t even bother putting her clothes on first. I can’t go in there with my clothes on… they’ll get ruined. Damn it.

  I took the rest of my clothes off, folded them gently and made my way into the bathing area. Covering my penis with my hands the entire time. I could see Tadwick chasing Chloe around the place, so I slipped in as quickly as possible and sat myself in one of the smaller baths that was close to me. There was another guy in it… but all the baths were occupied so going across the room to another one wouldn’t have helped… this was the quickest and therefore best option. The areas around the water are quite steamy so that combined with the water obscures vision enough for me to feel like I don’t have to hold myself the entire time… thank fuck.

  I will concede that the water is pleasantly warm. But how are they doing this? At home we have a bath over some magic coals. The coals are what keeps the bath warm. But I can’t see any access to underneath the baths here… it’s weird.

  Now that I’m in here, I can’t see any women other than Chloe. Come to think of it, I have never seen any female knights other than Chloe. Which is weird because there are loads of female adventurers… some of the most famous adventurers are female. So, why is Chloe the only female knight? Probably some stupid noble tradition, I imagine. That seems to be the reason for most of the random shit round here.

  A few of the knights are looking at me from time to time… but then they quickly turn away. I think they are trying to pretend not to notice me, but can’t help themselves. Their instincts are probably telling them that I’ll attack them at any…

  Chloe: “Comin’ in!”

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  Suddenly there was a large splash next to me as Chloe hopped in the bath next to me. Tadwick was still running around looking for her.

  Dwynfel: “Chloe!”

  Chloe: “Shh… he thinks I’m over there… see if he notices.”

  Dwynfel: “It’s like having two children.”

  Chloe: “Just cause I know how to have fun, you boring git.”

  How on earth did she end up in charge of other people? The woman is insane.

  Dwynfel: “Isn’t this meant to be a bathhouse for knights to prepare for their shifts… or relax after them… I’m sure they probably want some peace and quiet.”

  Chloe: “Ah, look at them all. They don’t give a shit. They’re all in their own little worlds, man. Look, Lucas is over there. He couldn’t care less. He’d probably object if we bumped into him, what with him using a razor n’ all, but still.”

  Dwynfel: “Is it really necessary for him to shave… everything… like that?”

  Chloe: “He says it makes him more aerodynamic. Apparently helps him glide through the air and water.”

  Dwynfel: “He wears clothes and armour to fight… I fail to see how having hairless genitals is going to help with that.”

  Chloe: “Hey, I’m right with ya there. I like a hairy man myself. My Bobby’s got a brilliant chest of hair. A small rodent could get lost in it.”

  Well now, there is a weird image that I’m never going to be able to shake.

  Chloe: “Then again, you ain’t got any hair on your balls and speed’s your whole thing.”

  Dwynfel: “Oh ha ha… very funny.”

  Then a man walked in with rather scruffy dark brown hair. I’m struggling to smell anything with all the steam in here… so I can’t pick up his scent yet. He looks quite jovial. His hair doesn’t quite reach his ears and fuck me his ears are big… I know my ears are pointy and massive… but ya know… big for a human.

  Lucas: “Tristan, old bean, have you been attempting to trim yourself again?”

  Ah… it’s sir Tristan. I couldn’t see him properly in his robe before.

  Tristan: “Quiet, Lucas. You know I’m no good at that stuff.”

  He’s quite right… he is no good at it… his pubic hair has chunks sliced out of it… the surrounding skin has various cuts scattered about, and it looks like he gave up about half way through. Not the best look, if I’m honest.

  Lucas: “I know that, my dear brother. But that’s what the staff are for. They’ll do a bang-up job for you. You’ll be smoother than a baby’s bottom.”

  Tristan: “I am not having the staff shave my balls, Lucas. I didn’t grow up with staff like you. I used to be staff for people, and shit like that is humiliating for them. Besides, those razorblades are sharp. What if I panicked and jumped?”

  Lucas: “My advice… don’t.”

  Seriously… the contrast between their voices is insane. Lucas sounds so upbeat and perky… yet irritatingly posh and stuck up. Tristan… fuck… even when his face is clearly getting quite intense, his voice just doesn’t change… it’s this… perpetual monotone. How on earth are these two related?

  Lucas: “Oh, for the sake of the gods, man.”

  Tristan: “Look, I’m just not gonna bother, ok. I’ll just let things grow. No woman ever seems interested in seeing it anyway.”

  Lucas: “Well, that’s a very defeatist attitude. It’s all about confidence, my good man. Looking good and feeling great will cause you to glow with confidence. I guarantee it.”

  Tristan: “I doubt it. I’m just not a confident person. And I don’t think shaved balls are going to be the confidence booster you think they are.”

  Lucas: “Maybe not, but it does make them ever so sensitive for when you do have a fine lady caress them. Now come over here. I’ll do it for you. You know I’m damn good with a blade. It’ll be done before you can blink.”

  Tristan shrugged… I thought he was going to walk off and ignore his brother for a moment… but he caved in and just accepted it. Lucas stood sharpening his razor blade and Tristan lifted one leg onto the bench. What the absolute fuck am I watching?

  Chloe: “See… better than watching one of those shit plays at the theatre.”

  Dwynfel: “I wouldn’t know.”

  Tadwick: “Found you!”

  Tadwick jumped into the water next to Chloe. His hair puffed up and went all frizzy. He was struggling to see so I helped clear his hair out of his face.

  Chloe: “Well done, kid. Now you get yourself nice and clean. Cause after you get out of this bath, that nice man over there with the long blonde hair is going to sort your mop out for you.”

  Tadwick: “What’s he gonna do?”

  Chloe: “Fucked if I know. But look at him. He’s good with hair. He’ll make you look less like a ginger banshee and more like a respectable young man. But once he’s sorted ya hair, you can’t come back in the water. Else your hair’ll go mental again.”

  Tadwick: “What’s he doing now?”

  Chloe: “Sorting out somebody else’s hair.”

  Chloe laughed and nudged me with her elbow. Tadwick climbed out of the bath and went over to Lucas & Tristan.

  Chloe: “Stick with me. I take ya to all the best places.”

  Dwynfel: “That’s a matter of opinion.”

  Chloe: “Oh come now, just check out the view. Hunks of man meat everywhere. Full on sausage fest. What more could ya want? Ya are gay these days, aren’t ya?”

  Am I? I’m looking around this room… there is a whole host of naked men… of various types… hair colours… some hairy… some not… a wide variety of penises… one even has a piercing… fuck… I bet that hurt… just… why would you do that?

  Dwynfel: “Chloe… I don’t think I am gay. I don’t think I know what I am.”

  Chloe: “Huh? But ya fuckin’ Kiyui ain’t ya?” I mean, I know ya fancied Tilda n’ all. But Kiyui’s definitely a guy. I’ve seen it.”

  I am so sick of everybody making that assumption.

  Dwynfel: “Why does everybody think I’m having sex with him?”

  Chloe: “So, you aren’t fucking him?”

  Dwynfel: “We haven’t gone that far. We’ve been sleeping in a tent with a small boy for two months. We are hardly gonna have full blown sex next to him.”

  Chloe: “Kids are sound sleepers. I’m sure he wouldn’t notice.”

  Dwynfel: “Well, I’d notice! Every time he coughed or rolled over; I’d shit myself.”

  Chloe: “Ya just making excuses. How d’ya think families in one-bedroom houses end up with like six kids? If ya really wanted to, then ya could have found the time.”

  Man: “Ma’am, perhaps they were waiting for…”

  Chloe actively jumped from shock and stared at the man in the bath.

  Chloe: “Fucking hell, Flynn. How long have you been there?”

  Flynn: “The whole time, Ma’am.”

  Dwynfel: “He’s right… he was here before I was.”

  Chloe: “Don’t fuckin’ defend him. Get the fuck out of here, Flynn. Don’t you have paperwork to fill out.”

  Flynn: “Sir Robert is filling out the last of the paperwork before coming here. That is why he has not arrived yet.”

  Chloe: “Well fuck off and help him then, fuck’s sake.”

  Flynn: “As you wish Ma’am.”

  Flynn climbed out of the bath. As he left to go to the changing room, he tripped over seemingly nothing. As he did, I couldn’t help but notice how incredibly average looking he was. Literally everything about him was average… average length hair… which happened to be brown… which is the most common hair colour in these parts. His height was average, his weight was average… glancing around this room at all the different sized penises… even the guy’s penis looks to be completely average. His voice was inoffensive… not a boring drone like Tristan’s or soft and caring like Kiyui… nor rude or abrasive like Chloe… not even posh and stuck up like Lucas… just a standard… everyday voice. His looks were equally average… he didn’t have the chiselled beauty of Lucas… or the endearing goofiness of Tristan… just a completely average face that you forget within seconds of it leaving. Never have I met a more mediocre person in all of my life.

  Chloe: “What a prick.”