This can’t be what love feels like… it stresses me out… it makes me tense… anxious… terrified… and yet oddly alive.

  Dwynfel: “That can’t be right. I know what love feels like… I love my mum… that’s nothing like this.”

  Chloe slapped me across the back of the head.

  Dwynfel: “Ow… what was that for?”

  Chloe: “You’re one of the smartest people I know, but fucking hell are you an idiot sometimes.”

  Robert: “Love for family is different to the love you feel for your partner. As things develop the intensity will subside and it will be more comforting than exhilarating. It is still early days for you. You’re still young, you aren’t used to these feelings yet.”

  Chloe: “He’s not that young.”

  Dwynfel: “I’m only fifteen.”

  Chloe: “Don’t even try that shit… you’re a goblin… being fifteen makes you a grown ass man. That’s like being what… twenty-something?”

  Just because I’m fully grown, it doesn’t mean I know everything. I only know what I have experience of. This is all so new to me.

  Dwynfel: “Look… I get that for a goblin I’m a bit of a late bloomer. But goblins don’t really do love. You might have noticed, but they tend to be a bit more about rape than feelings.”

  Chloe: “Urgh… fine. Look, have you talked to Kiyui about how you feel?”

  Dwynfel: “I told him that I liked him.”

  Chloe: “That it?”

  Dwynfel: “Hey… telling him that almost gave me a heart attack… I can’t cope with all the stress that comes with these conversations.”

  Robert: “I know that these conversations can be stressful, but once they are done, you’ll know exactly where you stand. A weight will be lifted and you will be able to move forward.”

  Dwynfel: “But what if I tell him how I feel and he doesn’t feel the same way? I know what he’s like… he casually gives guys blowjobs just to say “thanks” … what if he’s only doing stuff with me because he feels obligated to. What if he’s just being nice? What do I do if I talk to him and what I’m scared of turns out to be true?”

  Even just talking about this I can feel myself getting anxious… my heart is racing… even worse than before… I feel horrible… again.

  Chloe: “I know you two haven’t had full on sex yet, but you have done some stuff right?”

  Dwynfel: “Yeah… some.”

  Chloe: “Look, it’s easy to tell if a guy’s into what’s going on. Just look at his dick when you do stuff with him. If it’s hard, then he likes it, if it isn’t, then he doesn’t. You ever seen him with a hard on?”

  Well yes… that would be a good indicator… if I wasn’t too terrified to look down there. I can barely even look at his face during such things without having a heart attack.

  Dwynfel: “I’ve always been to terrified to look down there. At first, I had to keep my eyes firmly shut… I was too scared to open them… I’ve only recently been able to open my eyes and look at his face.”

  Chloe: “What about when you touch him? Does it feel hard in your hand?”

  Dwynfel: “I’ve never touched it… it’s always just been him doing things to me.”

  Chloe: “You are fucking kidding.”

  Dwynfel: “No… I’ve always been too scared to. He’s been having sex for years… what if I try… and I’m really bad at it… what if I do it wrong?”

  Chloe: “You take overthinking to the next level, you know that.”

  She really doesn’t need to point that out.

  Dwynfel: “Believe me… I know.”

  Chloe: “It’s a dick, how wrong can you go? You’ve got your own, you fucking well have your own practice kit. What works on yours will likely work on his. And if it doesn’t, well fuck, ask him and he'll tell ya what he likes.”

  Robert: “She does have a point. If you never try, then you can never improve.”

  Chloe: “And for fuck’s sake… next time he’s chokin’ ya chicken just fucking look at his dick and see for yourself.”

  Robert: “Or… just talk to him. The best way to find out how he feels is simply to speak to him.”

  What they said kept ringing in my head for the rest of the day. Even as we were in the carriage home. I’m still not used to getting carriages places by the way.

  Once we got home, there was only really time to have a quick bite to eat before bed. Tadwick was loving life, telling my mum and Nomius all about what we had been up to, how cool all the knights were. I sat eating my stew trying to listen to him but mostly just thinking about Kiyui.

  After the food, I took Tadwick upstairs to his room to sleep. I had a chat to him about how he needs to start being a big boy and sleeping in his own bed… on his own. He wasn’t too happy with the idea… so we compromised… I agreed to cuddle with him in his bed until he fell asleep and he agreed not to panic if he woke up alone… he knows I’m only downstairs, and if he needs me, then that is where I’ll be.

  Help support creative writers by finding and reading their stories on the original site.

  Kiyui normally sings a lullaby to him until he falls asleep. But I can’t sing… well… not in tune… or in a soothing way. So, I decided to read him one of my favourite stories from when I was little. The story of Sir Gwyn the Gallant. It is a fairly standard story… honourable knight defeating dragons, giants, and all manner of beast in order to reach a castle in the middle of nowhere and rescue a princess from an evil wizard. You know… usual mythical legend stuff.

  I think I just loved this one because it was the first one that was ever read to me and I kind of just latched onto it. So, we climbed into bed and I read it to him.

  Tadwick: “Why didn’t the pinsess try to get away on her own? She wasn’t chained or anyfin.”

  In all fairness, that is a good question that had never occurred to me before.

  Dwynfel: “She might have done… the story is from the perspective of the knight. It doesn’t say what the princess was doing before he arrived.”

  Tadwick: “So she might have been fighting back?”

  Dwynfel: “It’s possible… but not a lot of princesses know how to fight at her age. Not a lot of princes know how to fight at her age. Royalty lead very sheltered lives… they have other people to fight for them. They rarely do stuff like this themselves. That’s why the king sent the honourable knight to rescue her rather than going himself.”

  Tadwick: “Sounds a bit unfair…”

  Dwynfel: “Very few of the rich fight their own battles… that’s unfortunately the way of things.”

  Tadwick: “Are you rich?”

  I don’t think a rich family would ever take in a creature like me. But I do wonder how different things would have been if my parents had come into a load of money. I suppose they would have expanded the farm.

  Which is exactly what my mother has done over the past two months… but still… whilst our land has expanded… I still wouldn’t class us as rich. We certainly have nothing on the nobles.

  Dwynfel: “Not really.”

  Tadwick: “But you got a big house.”

  Dwynfel: “My parents worked really hard to buy this farm. We have more money and space than a lot of people… but we certainly aren’t rich. Maintaining this farm costs money… and running it is hard work. I grew up working on this farm… farm work is hard… and tiring.”

  Tadwick: “Will I learn how to do farm stuff?”

  Dwynfel: “I imagine so… you are taking up one of the worker’s bedrooms. I guess that makes you a farm worker now.”

  Tadwick: “That’s cool. I love animals! Can I ride one of the…”

  Dwynfel: “I’m glad you like animals, but it is really time to go to sleep now.”

  I blew out the candle, placed the book on the bedside table, and lay back on the pillow.

  Tadwick: “You didn’t say goodnight properly.”

  Dwynfel: “Sorry. Goodnight Tadwick… sleep well.”

  Tadwick: “No! Kiyui always gives me a goodnight kiss!”

  I suppose Kiyui has been the one to put him to bed almost every night for the last two months… he’s bound to get used to the way that he does things. I gave Tadwick a small kiss on the forehead.

  Dwynfel: “Goodnight, Tadwick.”

  Tadwick smiled at me. He wriggled under my arm, wrapped himself around me and cuddled in.

  Tadwick: “Night, Dad.”

  Even as I lie here in this bed, all I can think about is Kiyui… Robert is right… I really need to talk to him. But I’m not going to see him until this ball tomorrow. I can’t talk to him about this there. We’ll be surrounded by people… it would be so awkward, and if I find out he is just being nice I’ll probably end up crying, and I can’t end up crying in front of all of those people… it would be beyond embarrassing and hang on a minute, what the fuck did he just say?

  No… he can’t have… I heard that wrong… nope… he definitely wouldn’t have said that. That’s insane. I know we’ve been close for the last couple of months… but no. It took me years before I called my parents Mum and Dad… and I’m definitely not one of his parents. I can’t let this develop into a thing… after the incubus is dead, we’ll be finding him somewhere safe to live. We can’t go dragging him around on quests with us. It wouldn’t be safe. If he gets too attached to us now, it will make things difficult later.

  But… he was in an orphanage… he was supposed to be safe… then all this shit happened to him. I can’t let him go back to somewhere like that. I care about him… I like having him around… but I can’t go being a parent… I’m not qualified… besides… he’s almost my height… he’ll be taller than me by the time he’s seven. But he’s so sweet… and loving… and happy. He’s cuddled into me right now… he’s so warm… warmer than Kiyui… is it a child thing? Or is he just an oven? Anyway… he’s cuddling me… without a hint of fear… he’s comfortable with me… fuck… is he drooling on me… is he asleep already? How long have I been lying here thinking about this?

  I can’t hand him off to some orphanage… I just can’t. Maybe he has some distant family somewhere… that would be best… wouldn’t it? He can’t go round telling people that his dad’s a goblin… he’ll have the shit kicked out of him. Maybe my mum could raise him… then he’d be more like my little brother. He said he likes animals… he’ll enjoy the farm. But fuck… I can’t ask my mum to do that. She did enough when she took me in. I can’t expect her to take in another child. Gods damn it… what the hell am I going to do here… at this rate I’m never going to get to sleep ever again… shit.